I used to shower at night. I've switched to morning showering solely because I don't have the energy after work. I work as a cna in training at a nursing home, so I don't even have the hard job yet – though sometimes cnas let us help out with the more engaging (I'm not going to use the word “fun” but I'll take operating a hoyer lift over walking 3 halls with empty trash and fully stocked gloves and wipes pretending to do things because like every boss, ours claims there is tons of stuff to do when there is actually none. There are 4 aides for 3 hallways. It does not take all 4 of us to make the beds and keep the trash empty in 8 hours) I get stoned the moment I begin driving home, and before I go in, because if I don't I am guaranteed to freak out over a small mistake such as, idfk, getting somebody grape when they wanted fruit punch and I had 3 other drinks to get and that guy normally asks for grape every day. (This is why I don't work in fast food lmao. Longest I lasted was 2 weeks at some dq when I was 16 and I'm convinced that's why nobody but shitty healthcare jobs will hire me now.) I am convinced I will eventually be fired or treated like shit until I quit because I keep forgetting things like grabbing somebody's silverware for a hall tray and having to waste time walking all the way back to the dining room to get it which I did several times during my first week. I feel like I take too long for everything…all the way from maneuvering a woman who has to be at least 400 lbs into a spot to sit (Usually goes pretty easy, but yesterday there were a lot of people who had come down before her, I had to ask 2 people who were also in wheelchairs to move to get her in, and then I spent ages trying to get her close enough to the table to eat. Oxygen machine cord kept getting stuck under the wheels for some reason. Turns out she had slid too far down in her chair and we had to take her out AGAIN, use a hoyer lift in the middle of the hallway to pull her back upright in her chair, and then the maneuvering went like magic. Anyways I was literally sweating by the end, from that alone. Once you get some momentum with a bigger person in a chair it's easy to push them but gd maneuvering those huge wheelchairs takes a bit of actual strength.) I felt like all of the residents that are capable of it were watching me and judging me for taking so long, or even thought I was intentionally trying to embarrass the resident for being obese.
At this point I literally just go in so that I can say I do something other than sit at home and drink all day long, because that's exactly what I would do with all the free time if I quit. The only thing I like about working is that it keeps me from drinking because if I drink I will end up finishing the whole bottle and have a killer hangover that, 50/50 will have me puking and shaking and just entirely unable to come in to work, especially in a place like a nursing home. Other than that my life is entirely the same – no social life (outside of work), no hobbies to speak of. I was actually starting to get into some hobbies again after I got out of the psych ward and stayed sober for almost a month. Then I began working, went straight back to just doing nothing all day, and started drinking again on the weekends and sometimes during the week (Although if it is during the week I literally make sure that I don't have more than, say, a 12 pack of beer in the house because more than that = visible hangover no matter how much water I drink.) My life is literally going to work, feeling worthless over everything I do/like I am doing literally everything wrong or inefficiently enough to get yelled at. Idek why I feel like I am too slow/bad at everything because I haven't even been told I need to go faster or do more, much less yelled at for it, and this is my third week. I don't see the point in not committing suicide if my three options in life are homelessness, homelessness with the “drinking yourself to death” expansion pack, or spending my whole morning convincing myself to go to work, getting ready to go to work, maybe a sobbing episode right after I wake up, etc.
Also, since we aren't allowed to touch patients but are also responsible for answering call lights, we get to feel like we are abandoning the ones that seem incapable of fully understanding WHY we can't help them (I promise you, a lot of these people are not going to understand “Sorry, I can't help you, I'm not a cna yet, we have to start classes before we can do anything.” they see scrubs. They think “help”.) to go spend 15 minutes looking for a cna, finding said cna outside smoking, only to be told “Not close enough to meal to get them out of bed” “I just changed them” or “Laying them down for bed is night shift's job” so then we have to go back and try to explain to that patient that might not even be fully verbal that the cna just straight up said “Lol no” I feel like the emotional burden of refusing to do something for a patient should really fall on the cnas and not us considering we aren't even allowed to give said care, but it is what it is. I love it every single time I go to a call light and it's something simple I am actually allowed to help with, ex. a patient in a wheelchair dropped something or just wants moved to a different spot or more ice/water or what have you, because I hate having to leave a patient in their own shit for 30 minutes while I try to find someone to help.
Some days, the aids actually have a better idea of what is going on than the cnas, because the cnas are mostly “agency” aka they don't work at the facility and know nobody's name or what room they are in. This is because the place I work can't (or won't) pay to have enough cnas that the place can legally run if one calls out or no shows.
I can also tell that they are going to fuck over one of our coworkers when we begin classes because she made it clear during the interview that she had no wifi at home, and was told there was an option for in person classes. Lo and behold, we get signed up for classes and it's entirely online.
Fuck america lmfao. Anyway, gtg, time to go to work and probably get fired over a diaper.