I've been thinking that maybe being on the internet and playing all these games aren't a way too live. But it's the only thing I really enjoy besides nature. Like a light away from this dark and harsh reality. I see so many people around me who are miserable, have let themselves go and are almost zombified in a way. Is this really the reason why we exist? Every time I think about anything that has to do with real life, I feel stressed, depressed, why? Is it my fault that I'm like this? I could of possibly went too college if my parents paid for that, but we're way too broke for something like that. Maybe my life would of been a-lot different. But even college leads to a life of working for 99% of it of constant suffering and being miserable. Is this really worth it? Some people get into a field they really enjoy and love, they're incredibly lucky people that I envy alot because I don't particulary know what I enjoy myself besides games and nature, but my capacity too enjoy nature is extremely limited by my fear of literally any type of bug.
I grew up being abused a-lot by one of my parents and even grand parents but that was at a very young age, despite that I remember a-lot of it. They got a divorce so my abusive parent was pretty much away from that point on, they got better over time and now have their own kids to take care of. I remember when I was around 8-13 I can't remember exactly, I was taken to the dentist. My own parent got upset at me over having cavities because he had to pay for it and ever since then never took me to the dentist again. The only reason why I had health care at all was because of medicare which I'm pretty sure that may have been free for some time. I wasn't really aware of this ofcourse I was younger. My family members aren't really close to each other at all. We seem to be all very anti social which even includes me, probably because I never had a good example of how to act socially.
So this of course lead to me seeking the internet and games too enjoy something. It's pretty much been most of my life ever since I got a PC. I got my first job being a pizza driver eventually when I got out of highschool, which went okay for about a week until they wanted me to work until it was like 2-4 am at night on roads that I'm not familiar with at all. Couldn't do it of course, hit a pot in the road that I couldn't see, on a road that I could barely see because the car I had, had really bad head lights. Had an anxiety attack but still delivered the pizza but told them what happened and left. I was fired because of that. I very often struggled with my anxiety and depression at the time, being constantly paranoid at home because our other grandmother (not the abusive one, but honestly coming close to it) would harass me and my other siblings constantly. This harassment has been going on for years, still does at times even today. It's gotten better over time, but I don't trust her because she will randomly get angry and continue to harass at incredibly random times. So I just learned to cope with it, there's been many times where I've had mental breakdowns because of this. But I had to deal with it because she helped with groceries and things around the house and was very helpful for my dad. There were periods of times where I thought maybe my grandmother had finally changed, but this would be destroyed every time when it happens again, so I no longer expect anything, and no longer trust her and usually keep my distance as much as I can.
I realized that my grandmother was also very similar to my dad, because she use to help out with getting me and my brother food. But eventually she got tired of this and just stopped buying us food slowly. Reached a point to where even my dad and I make our own food now. I don't know what changed, I guess it was frustration that I was having a hard time getting a job and holding it. I didn't realize how bad my anxiety was until my next jobs.
I tried being a wal-mart night stocker next, which, wasn't the job I applied for. I applied for a door closer/door greeter something similar to that and got called for night stocker instead. I decided why not, take it anyway and try it. I was actually pretty excited to take this job since It was fairly close by wal mart to my home. Being a wal mart stocker was a-lot more harder on my body than I expected, I could not push anything at all. Not even the heavy ladders you need to get to the top of the shelves. Opening all these heavy boxes and placing them on very high shelves at time was already causing me extreme discomfort. I'm a very skinny guy for my age, obviously not strong at all but I still went at it. My back was already getting pain about a week in and I was also noticing that I was starting to suffer from something inside my head. I'll try to describe it as much as I can but basically the monotony of just putting stuff on the shelves was driving me actually insane. My anxiety rose and I had another attack, all while looking at my fingers and finding that I had a bit of blood from obviously not being use to opening boxes, which didn't help de-escalate my freak out at all. Made it worse and I had to leave that job as well. I attempted to ask the manager if I could possibly be transferred to a different job, or if there were any open jobs but they said no. Which was a lie because I still had access to the open jobs on the website, I did try to apply to them but they realized what was happening and locked me out of it. Even saw cart pushing in there, which I would of gladly been able to handle.
My 3rd job was at a Mall, it was basically retail. I packaged stuff and you box them and scan them, etc. I maybe would of been able too handle this job if it was a-lot closer to my home, because most of the stress I got from that one was driving. It was 40-50 minutes away and down a long highway which always stressed me out every time I went through it. I'm a really safe driver and extra cautious especially more so because of my anxiety so going back and forth every day was too much for me to handle. I had always felt this strong anxiety and stress for most of the time I was doing the job, my body was barely functioning even though sometimes I was getting 2-3 days off, even off work I could not relax at all. I don't drink, or do any drugs, or weed and I don't very much like the idea of any of that because my parent did alot of it while abusing us. Days went by like only 1 hour each and it felt like I was right back at the job again, feeling even worse than when I last time left. About 2 weeks into this job I was starting to have unstoppable panic attacks instead of anxiety attacks. Usually people have 1 panic attack, they're okay. I couldn't stop mine, they were continuous panic attacks that would last multiple hours and would not stop as my entire body would have the most terrible feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. Despite some of these fits, I continued the job thinking it would just go away with time. Until my last shift where my mind was being driven insane by the monotonous repetitive actions I was doing while working and everything went into slow motion. Time and all things around me felt like seconds were centuries and I had to leave and go sit in a secluded hallway to calm myself down. But it didn't help, I was having some sort of attack and I didn't know what it was. I decided I had to leave that shift and leave for good.
I had multiple suicidal tendencies as well throughout my 20's, for which I'm 26 right now, I don't have any right now because I managed to climb myself out of that mind set, sometimes falling back into it. Every time I went to go see a therapist years ago when I did have medicare, I would embarrassingly lie about it because I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what happened, I stupidly acted like a completely normal guy infront of them to get away from it and they always bought it 100%. For some reason I was always afraid of talking. but I am incredibly stressed out. Here I am years later without medicare anymore, and I knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn't do anything about it health wise, health insurance is incredibly expensive and I tried looking into free alternatives in my state, there being none. I actually was hoping that my 3rd job at the mall would be able to get me enough money to start addressing my health issues, but as it turns out that didn't work. If I had somehow knew how messed up I was when I was younger and still had medicare, I could of fixed it a long time ago. If I even am fixable. I wanted to try to be on unemployment so that I could at the very least help my dad pay for the bills, since I do live here, but it ended up being way too complicated for me to handle, and it has a-lot of requirements of needing to work first to have any of it as far as I read. I eventually did sign up for FNS/food stamps so that at the very very least, I can just pay for my own food. For the time being I've been looking for a remote job instead, as working online probably wouldn't be that bad for me and I could probably handle that, and sorry, not a customer service one as I'm terrible with customers and it probably would trigger my anxiety. Not to mention how many people have told me to never work at customer service or even retail for that matter, but I gave retail a go anyway.
But recently I just got a letter in the mail about there being time limits on the food stamps, something that I guess I entirely missed on the website because I was never aware of this when I applied for it. I'm not sure if anything I could do on there would trigger whatever's going on inside of me to happen again, so I guess I will be even running out of that in the months to come. I hope I can manage to find a remote job before then as I've probably applied to at-least a hundred or more all being rejected so far usually because of nonsense qualifications. I have graduated high school so at the very least I do have that. Getting through high school personally for me, felt like a complete drag. I wasn't failing it or anything but it just felt like a massive waste of time. They make you wake up at 6 am be at school at 7 am, spend most of your day there until 4 pm every day for years. It was miserable for me personally. And It's really not too much different from having a job besides well, intensive labor of course.
I have so many thoughts in my head now that I just don't know what to do with. I'm incredibly stressed about my future, I just want to live life my own way but I can't. I always wondered why work wasn't different. This is all hypothetical of course, but why not have workers work only 4 hours a day, with switching shifts with other people working the other 4 hours for the rest of the day. That way everyone would be a-lot more happy, a-lot more time to do what they want to do and well of course the 4 hours would have to have higher wages so people can still live, but why not? at the end of the day money is just paper at this point. why not? Give everyone more paper, the US prints it like crazy. Of course this would mean more people working somewhere, but just simply give them all more money including the managers managing it. I know if I only had 4 hours to work at those jobs, I would of been a-lot less stressed and if well whatever is going on in my head isn't as bad as I hope it is, I could of possibly handled it a-lot better.
But I also want to mention that I'm not saying this from any political standpoint, these were just the thoughts in my head, and my experiences. I don't care for politics much and have no idea what the fuck is going on there. I just want to know, is it my fault that I'm like this today, is it my parents, or is it the entire structure of how USA is today? I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do anymore either.