Rule #235
Always dress a little gay. Not too gay. So if by some miracle that girl in accounting gives you an opening she's not shocked when you shoot your shot. But just gay enough where people kinda assume it. This gives you a leg up in the diversity hire game. Gotta play to win.
Rule #765
Always shit at work.. Always. I mean you could do it at home. But you aren't getting paid to shit at home. Plus reduces the amount of times you have to clean your toilet. In my case that's never but for you germaphobes.. that's a major win. Though I guess the shitting in public can be daunting… Just bring your own toilet bib and disinfectant. Or you know get your psychologist to give you some kind of special treatment exception and have a dedicated stall to yourself. They are giving all kinds of privileges these days for weirdos so it could work out.
Rule #7
Don't use your lunch for lunch. Take a walk. Taunt the homeless. Just stare at a wall. Whatever you do don't eat. Then in the last 5 minutes of lunch. Get your lunch take it to your desk and eat there. If the boss sees you he'll assume you're a hard worker and are working through your lunch. Plus again you get paid for eating lunch. Just have a spreadsheet or something up. Hopefully tracking how much time you've stolen from the company so you can review it whenever you need to lessen the depression of giving up your life for the advantage of others.
Rule #814
Don't like your boss… “but he's a really nice guy”.. “she's funny and everyone likes her”.. Well not you. Fuck em. Being to close to your boss creates work. “I really rely upon you. You're so good at your job.” Yeah right asshole. You're just pawning off half your job. And agreeableness tends to get you less raises and looked over for promotions because you're invaluable. I mean honestly we can go the klingon way and challenge them to a fight to the death and all would be good with the world.
Rule #321
Always be late. It asserts dominance. You have to be careful on this one. Start a little late few minutes. Don't I repeat don't give an excuse. If someone says oh you were late this morning. Be like “Yeah”. Act like it's all cool and eventually it will become normal. People will assume you have an active social life are too important to be on time and like you more. Also need to be a bit charismatic for this one. Not advisable for a Karen.
Rule #863
Be good at what you do. But don't let anyone know you're good at it. Automate your whole day away. Learn to script a bit. Find some online tools that do most your job. Use ChatGPT to write your emails. Make the worlds most powerful excel sheet that you dump a few stats in and voila. Then secretly surf the web for the rest of the day. Yeah it's a lot of work at first. More than your typical workday. But you'll be better off. Then when you ask for the promotion and they say you're “too important to lose in your position” hand them the spreadsheet and say you can train someone in a day.