Hi everyone, first time poster. Earlier this year I got a job making vegan ice cream, a field I was really excited to be a part of. Due to “reasons” (read:mental illness), I never have been great at visualizing or planning my future, so I've always struggled with a path or direction to follow professionally in life. One of my best (and longest lasting) jobs at the end of college was scooping ice cream at a Ben and Jerry's franchise, so for so long I was curious and hopeful that making it would be a great path for me. However, at 5 months in, I'm struggling. I'm tired of cleaning up our kitchen, I'm tired of not having a definitive end to my shifts, tired of the Boston commute, my body hurts all the time, and tired of my perfectionist superior looking over my shoulder all the time. I've put in my one month notice, and as a result had my hours cut in half; which is fine! I hoped that would make it more tolerable except now I'm dreading work tomorrow. I'm scared, all. This is the third job in a row where I've barely lasted 5 months. I feel so ashamed and like I'm actively failing at life, or if there's even a job I can do succesfully to last the rest of my life (I'm 31). Sometimes I feel like some kind of human error or mistake that isn't meant to be because of this. Am I quitter? Do I just not want to work (or work hard)? Am I perpetually lazy?
Sometimes I fantasize about my boss firing me or contemplating suicide so I just won't have to work anymore. I just feel like I'm trapped in this never ending phase of being an adult, something which I'm not sure I ever had a genuine concept of what it'd be like, and I don't know how to make it better.
Just looking for some kind words or some support – please and thank you.