BACKGROUND:
I've been struggling with depression since I was a kid, mostly due to bullying then.
It left me with scars and personality that never quite healed. I've never felt like I had a “normal” life. I can't really form lasting relationships, whether it's friendships or romantic ones. I can talk alright, one on one but more than one person around me and it start immediately draining me and I feel overwhelmed.
These days I prefer to be alone. I know it's not healthy but I have tried to connect with people, I've tried to go outside, join support groups, etc. Nothing has worked. I do not make connections. Possibly because part of me doesn't want to and because I have obvious self-esteem issues still despite trying to work them out for years.
It's 9th year now that I've been on meds with occasional therapy. I found a low-end job few years ago and I thought then this might turn this around. Every doctor said so.
“It'll bring structure to your life and keep you busy.”
Well, sure. But I'm not happy at work, at all. I might not wallow in misery because I have to do the monotonous shit of a job everyday in a inflexible environment and schedule.
I just can't do it. I am completely, mentally exhausted when I get back home. I do not enjoy anything anymore, not even games bring me joy they used to.
I'm feel more and more I am just one bad day away at work to go completely nuts and kill myself. Hell, I've already thought out a method to do it. I promised myself once I wouldn't do it as long as my mother was alive but I don't think I can keep that promise. I just don't care how she might feel either.
ON TO THE WORK RELATED STUFF:
Lately I feel like I've been under a microscope at work. I overheard some of my senior coworkers talk shit behind my back when I was just behind a door. No doubt they made some complaints to my supervisor, because yesterday he came down on me for leaving a bit early.
In my defense I said. “I was made aware that I could if I had to, if I made it up with extra time next time. If that is not the case anymore then I won't do it again.” Nobody else seemed to receive this kind of talking down to, even when I KNOW they regularly leave work early. Hell, one of them takes time to go walk their dogs for an half-an-hour per day and thats been going on for weeks. I know department next to mine goes home 10 minutes earlier every fucking day. But if I sometimes take 20minutes to go receive a package Im expecting before stores close, THATS SOMEHOW A FUCKING PROBLEM!? Even when I make up for it by come in early next day or stay late.
Since its only me the supervisor talked down to, I can only assume it is some resentful boomer in my department who told on me. But fine, FUCKING FINE, I minded my own work so far but BOY I can go on about their usage of worktime if this goes to plant manager. Motherfuckers extend their breaks by 15minutes every god damn day, and talk shit doing nothing while there is work to be done.
More than that, I come in 15-20minutes early to work everyday since I was employed. They can now expect me to arrive on the dot and not a second earlier. I don't care if it's the second shift and the first shift cant fill me in. They wanted to be petty and calculating, fine, let's do it motherfuckers. I will not do overtime one fucking second, I dont give a shit how busy it is. They aren't willing to bend, well, neither am I.
If they end up firing me, I'm officially done. Unemployment sucks and will suck more thanks to right-wing parties in power right now. I will party down my savings, after which I will take a good long whiff of certain substance and they can collect my corpse from front of the parliament building.
You can keep your shit jobs.