In addition to PTSD/ anxiety/ depression/ PMDD, I deal with severe chronic pain, though my diagnosis is not considered a disability (endometriosis). I had surgery back in August for excision of the endometriosis and it most definitely helped, but endometriosis is ultimately incurable and I’m still dealing with a fair deal of pain and other complications. My doctors suspect I may also have Crohn’s, but we’re still working on figuring that out.
I work in the mental health field and I’ve only officially been at my current job for a a bit over a year. I’ve used all my PTO for various surgeries/ procedures as well as getting COVID twice and the flu once just since I started working here. So I’ve just barely managed to not have to take FMLA for various health issues.
My mental health has been utter shit this whole time, if I’m being honest, and the sad reality is that I’ve mostly just had to bury that deep down despite working in the mental health field myself. I’ve had entirely too many physical health problems over the past year to even begin to be able to take the time off I desperately need for my mental health or for the various other major life stressors that have come up (multiple family members with cancer diagnoses over the past year, multiple deaths of family/ friends, multiple loved ones who attempted suicide, the death of a cherished pet… I really could go on and on).
I’m feeling increasingly burnt the fuck out and on the verge of a complete mental breakdown at this point. I made my way through grad school during the height of the pandemic— and worked up to 2-3 part-time jobs in addition to full-time school and a full-time, unpaid internship at this same workplace the whole time.
My cup has been empty this whole time. I have no idea how I’ve managed to show up and do my best to help other people 5 days out of the week.
Therapy doesn’t feel like it does anything for me anymore. Meds only help so much. What is a person to do when the root of the issue is just being so, so incredibly— and rightfully— fucking exhausted? Every single month when my PMDD makes an appearance, I think to myself: “I’d rather just off myself than to have to keep doing this.”
I don’t really know what hat I hope to accomplish by posting this. I tend to be a very introverted, private person, but I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know how I can keep doing this. But I don’t know how I can possibly manage to take unpaid leave either.
I am so fucking sick of this capitalist hellscape we’re living in.