So this morning I decided to skip work today. Kind of reminds me of my high school days where I would skip class. Although skipping work is obviously much more risky/ detrimental to my survival than skipping a class.
I work in Traffic Control where we set up sites for construction. I get picked up. Today's pick up time was friggin 430am. Last night I didn't get home until 9pm after a 14 hour shift of “flagging” (holding a stop sign) all day in the pouring rain and 10°C temperatures. I got home feeling very sick and exhausted and in pain.
This morning I said “fuck it” and slept in because I literally just could not get out of bed after a very poor quality 4 hour sleep. So when I got up eventually I thoroughly cleaned my pig sti room because I never have enough fucking energy to clean because I'm always so exhausted from work. I went out and paid a bill at my bank with cash that I couldn't pay ever because I'm always working and can't get to a bank and I only had cash so I had to go in person. I'm enjoying the day now because I have some fucking freedom. I will cook a healthy meal instead of eating garage fast food that I eat at work because when I'm working constantly I just do not have the energy to cook meals after or before work because I need more sleep than the normal person due to my ADHD. It takes everything out of me to work and when I'm not working I cannot do anything I need to do because all my concentration goes into work. So no I don't regret skipping work today, so far.
But now I gotta text my boss and grovel to the system and pretend like I am sorry for missing work and I hate having to be an obedient and remorseful slave for not having the energy to be a perfect slave 100% of the time. I work my ass off 95% of the time but God forbid I slip up now and then. I don't get how most people I know are perfect or near perfect and can just work non stop. My breaking point comes about way sooner than most people I know. I don't even want to text her because its going to be such a disingenuous text. I am paid way, way less than I deserve, I am always struggling financially even though I work a huge amount of hours- I just don't make enough money and it's not fair. It's offensive and cruel to be paid as little as I am but I have no choice but to try and keep my job because I am a slave. I hate this world we live in.
Every single mental breakdown I've ever had has been work related. Being forced to work when I can't. I have depression and anxiety and ADHD, all diagnosed and it's so, so difficult for me just to function. So being forced to work is just so hard for me. I just…can't anymore. What can I do?
If I get fired I'll have to look for another stupid fucking job that I can't do, and don't want to do. I find the process of applying for jobs to be embarassing and demoralizing because when I'm writing resumes/ sending emails and calling potential employers it feels SO disingenuous. Pretending to be a model/upstanding citizen slave when I just want to exist without the shackles society places on me. And then job interviews when they ask why I want to work there and It takes everything in me to say “I have no choice and I would like to have a roof over my head and not starve to death.” Lol. I want to say “I've always been passionate about devoting 2/3rds of my life to being a slave just to make enough money to not die on the streets”. God it's such a horrible process, especially the older I get (I'm 33) and I can't tolerate the bullshit anymore but I have no choice.
I live paycheque to paycheque and have no savings and no credit card so I can't take a few weeks off work unless I could get medical employment insurance or some sort of disability and that in itself is a huge process that is so stressful. Or I could get a doctor's note stating I need to be off work for one week, maximum (that's generally what I'm afforded.) That's if I am not fired.
I would prefer to just not be alive most of the time, in this horrible dystopian world we live in. And no- I'm not lazy- I have worked my ass off full time for half of my life since age 16, I always have a job. I'd like to just not work for a couple of months and focus on myself but I am poor and I don't have that option and I have very little financial help from others (friends will lend me a few bucks here and there) and my brother, uncle and aunt will help me out in absolute emergencies only, once in a blue moon, when they can. So I am fortunate to have that. But I dont have parents- my mother killed herself when I was 18 and my father is a selfish ass hole who will not lend me one cent, ever so I don't even ask him to help me.
I just wonder why I was born and why the world has to be so horrible and difficult. I am grateful that I live in Canada where there are options and it's not totally hopeless but I wonder what the fuck was the point of my birth. To work? Why do many parents choose to have children then tell them after age 18 they're on their own and refuse to help them financially? (Referring to my father). Like you're gonna have kids and tell them they must work hard just to survive? If I had children i'd like to think I would take care of them financially as much as I could. But fortunately I am choosing not to bring children into this nightmare world that is full of suffering.
Anyways that's my rant for the day. Thank you for reading.