i got my first full time job in july (for context, i work 9-5 in an office). it started as an internship, where i worked monday, wednesday, and friday, then in october i became a full time employee. i’ve only had part time jobs before that, where i worked a few days a week.
before july 2023, i hardly worked and barely went outside since december 2020. now i’m starting to work full time, i realised how much i missed being NEET. i miss having the freedom do what i want when i want to do it.
don’t get me wrong, i enjoy what i do, but i’m afraid that this new job will leave me too exhausted and drained to do anything that i enjoy doing. pretty much every day for the last three weeks, i’ve came home from work and almost immediately fell asleep. i don’t want my life to become a draining cycle of work and sleep.
i hate being around people, i hate being criticised, i hate people nit-picking my work, i hate interacting with people and making small talk. i miss the solitude of being NEET. i miss locking myself in my room for months, just living in my own world. i don’t care how pathetic that sounds.
i’m worried about my future. we spend so much time sleeping and working, it takes so many hours away from our lives that i’m scared i won’t be able to enjoy the things that i want to enjoy.
there is nothing more cruel than having an intense drive to paint and draw, but your body doesn’t want to cooperate because it’s too tired.
i hope that doesn’t make me sound lazy or useless. but is there really anything wrong with wanting to do the things that make you happy? why am i supposed to feel guilty for not wanting to give away hours of my limited life, working for someone else’s dream?