This is my first ever post on reddit. I'm a 23-year-old software developer. When I was younger i wanted to join the army or air force and become an officer, it was my dream but as I grew older, I got to know more about the world. My dream changed into becoming a Software Engineer which was helped by the fact that I was a huge computer nerd. I strived to become a software engineer, did my bachelor's in computer science from a high ranked university and I got to say it was quite a tough ride because i spent 4 years of my bachelor in an existential crisis, but I made it through. I was known to be a very good programmer in my batch.
My existential crisis has made me a sucker for slow bliss instead of fast entertainment and pleasure. I don't want lots of money but peace and oneness with nature.
So, I refrained from getting any internship because a few of my peers got a direct job role because they were considered capable. I know I'm capable and could get a role, but I went back to my little city to spend a sometime near my family and visit my grandparents on their farm.
I started online freelancing and started making good money. I liked it because I got to work from home and be close to my family. I finally thought I was happy.
A few months passed and then finally I took up a huge project (AI SAAS Whitelabel Web App), I've worked on this, day and night for a few months now. I constantly got stuck on gigantic issues and errors, some of them seemed impossible to solve, felt life threatening and I got in and out of depression because of sometimes failing to meet certain milestones and deadlines. I'm sleep deprived & It's taking a toll on my mental health.
I now remember, a very close friend & classmate of mine who topped the class in my university used to tell me that he could not envision programming for the rest of his life. He did not like its restless work nature. He said when we're working on a difficult project then even in our free time our mind is preoccupied with the work issues and problems. To me it sounded a bit spoiled of him then.
Now I feel exactly the same. Just the thought that I'm going to do this for the next 30-40 years of my send shivers down my spine. I don't know whether it's because I'm taking on senior level projects early on in my career without any support, experience or senior to guide me or is this really the working nature of this job.
I used to think well once we're experienced enough then it becomes easy, and most things are boring repetitive (which I like), and we already know the solution or direction based on experience. But the other day I read somewhere that it doesn't change at all, and we keep struggling till the end of our career.
Is this really the case? Am I overdoing it and having a burnout? Does this misery ever ends?
I don't know what to do now!