I'M POSTING THIS WARNING HERE BECAUSE THERE'S MENTIONS OF S*ICIDE.
I've been trying to find a second job recently because the first job doesn't pay enough and I don't work enough hours to help out with other bills (I pay the Wi-Fi bill.) I applied to a few jobs. An hour after I applied at a shoe store in a mall nearby, they called me back and we scheduled an interview. I was so happy for a few moments. (You can skip this next part if you want, this is just additional information.)
I've been struggling with depressive thoughts this entire year since January when one of my favorite uncles passed away unexpectedly. This seemed like a great opportunity for me to start a career in something that I'm not too attached to, like art, but not something that would upset me to work for the rest of my life. For context, I've always wanted to be an animator. I wanted a job that would bring smiled to people's faces, especially kids and to have something to do with art. So I wanted to make cartoons. I went to art school for a year, but had to drop out because it was too expensive. Then when I would do commissions on my own, the customers, usually family, stressed me out so much that I started to lose interest in my craft. My breaking point was when I finally completed a design that a customer was satisfied with, (after drawing like 4 different pieces of artwork) just for my tablet to shut off by itself and it didn't save. I broke down crying and called my dad. After about 15 mins, he calmed me down, but after I finished that commission, I stopped drawing completely for a year. I think that's when I lost all motivation to further my career in something that I loved. If I had to monetize it, I didn't want to do it. I thought about just drawing things and then selling them that way, but just picking up my drawing stylus felt disheartening.
Fast forward back to the mall job. The interview went amazing. I actually ended up having two interviews because I went to the wrong store at first (I didn't realize that the two stores had merged and the guy that scheduled the interview referenced the other store instead of the one he personally worked at.) The 2nd interviewer, who was a manager, let's call him Paul, said that the hiring manager would call me back in a week. I waited a week and no call. Friday of about two weeks ago, I called the store back. I guess there was some confusion in what I had said and Paul didn't think that I wanted to work there. Even though the last thing he said to me before I left was that he would tell the hiring manager about me??? Anyway, he said to call back on Monday because they were busy due to the holidays. I said fine. I set a reminder and everything. I called back that Monday and someone told me that he didn't work that day and to call back the next day. I did just that, but no one would answer the phone and when they did, they couldn't hear me for some reason. When I finally got through to them, they said that he had just left… For the remainder of the week I kept calling them and basically the same thing kept happening. I decided to go down to the store on Saturday, this past Saturday. Luckily, Paul was there. We talked for about two minutes before he told me that there aren't any spots available, but that he would keep me in mind for the future. Which was interesting to me since he wasn't the hiring manager… I was slightly upset, but I walked to the first store that I applied to and asked if they were still hiring. They told me to call on Monday because that's when their hiring manager would be in. Today is Monday. I called them at 12pm. Someone answered and said that the hiring manager didn't show up to work yet, but took my contact information to have them call me when they did show up. I decided to call back at 4:40pm just in case the worker had forgotten to give them my information. They told me that the hiring manager had just left 40 minutes ago. I thanked them for their time and hung up.
I feel so annoyed and upset. I have applied to other places so if I contact this new store tomorrow and something like this happens again, I'll just move onto my other applications. I just feel so stuck. This reminds me of my first job. Just a seasonal worker, but I had to basically harass the manager just to work there because they were so flipfloppy. I was so pissed off when he put me on the schedule because he scrolled by what it seemed like hundreds of applicants just to do so. My last name ends with a B by the way, so imagine how many people applied. I had even thought about just ending it a couple of weeks ago because then my mom wouldn't have to support me anymore. But coincidentally, I've been seeing so many posts about people who've lost people that way and how it still affects them today. Idk if I'm too coward to do it or if I still care enough about the people in my life to not put them through that. I think it just really got to me when my mom was comparing me to her bf who doesn't have a job at all interestingly enough. I think that she doesn't think that I'm trying because I don't tell her when I apply to places unlike him because I know that an application means nothing especially without an interview. We've, my mom and I, already had our issues with her boyfriend recently, we've seemed to move past it. Well, I just won't bring up my feelings about him anymore. But it's like on top of that and the fact that my self hatred has grown significantly, the rent has been raised by 200, and Christmas is coming up. I feel like such a failure and I'm only in my 20s. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my rant. I'm not going to do anything drastic, my family, specifically my brothers, niece and nephew are my tethers. It just seems like a lot to deal with sometimes. Have any of you guys been in a rut like this?