Perks: (and you’re LUCKY we’re giving you these)
$0.01/year (honestly this is a SUPER generous salary, WE should be charging YOU for the HONOR of working for us)
Unpaid time off
Unpaid vacation
Unpaid overtime
A whopping ZERO sick days a year!!! Yes, you get to work for us even if you’re sick!!!!
McDonald’s Happy Meals in the break room, but sorry not sorry, they’re only for corporate. All you hourly wage peasants can suck it. Maybe you can have their leftovers. Or the toys. We’ll give you the toys as a reward for all your work.
A performance-based pat on the back, a sticker, and an ice cream party
Team building retreats twice a year (yes, we will require you to go; no, we will not pay you for this)
Wellness classes
Classes on how to manage your mental health, even though the only reason your mental health is crap is because you’re working for us
Us not killing you on the job (and I’m telling you this, you are DARN LUCKY we’re even CONSIDERING this perk. You should be ready and willing to GLADLY take a bullet for us, a company that pays a penny per year)
The HONOR of working for us 24/7/366