Trigger warning, I guess. I don't have it in me to list warnings. Just… warning. Definitely gonna go some dark places.
I just… can't keep going with this. I had to leave a job 3 years ago for my own safety, and haven't managed to have anything go right since. I was supposed to have a place lined up after leaving that job, but it fell through. I've had other jobs since then, but all were either short-term contracts with zero benefits and massive red flags, or I made mistakes and managed to fuck the opportunity up.
When I left, I wasn't in any debt. I had a small savings, I had a small inheritance (about $5,000, that has literally accumulated from the day I was born) and I thought things would be ok. No unemployment, I left of my own volition. I mean, if I had stayed I either would have put myself in prison or a bullet in my head, but I couldn't get them to fire me if I had shit in my boss' coffee, so leaving was my only option.
Cut to today, and everything is falling apart. The savings is gone, inheritance gone, credit card is maxed, bank account is nearly empty, I haven't paid August rent, and I have a car that I'm grasping at straws not to lose, despite being literally the cheapest car I was able to get. I've put on 60lbs, my mental health is somehow WORSE than it was 3 years ago, and I'm about to be the reason my family gets evicted.
I've fucking tried, ok? I've been to job fairs, got certifications, sent out over a thousand applications, had over a hundred interviews, and I'm still no closer to a job than I was the day I returned my equipment in 2021. I've drawn blood from a goddamn stone to get by. Dug out every penny of money left on the table, hunted down ancient dimes forgotten in 7 year old tax returns and refunds. I've put the damn proverbial stone in a fucking hydraulic press to get every last drop out, and there's just nothing left.
I used to think things might get better. Things would improve. Hell, I hoped to just reach the black again after so many years in the red. I did everything right! Networked, got help revising my resume seemingly a dozen times over, worked with job agencies, and all for naught. Now I lie at the brink, and I don't know if I have the energy to claw myself back anymore.
I can't even settle for less that decent. I'm saddled with physical and mental health problems, so I'm outright unable to do most of what I find. Not a broken shell of a person enough to actually qualify for any damn help, just enough to suffer, endlessly waiting for someone to pity me enough to give me a pair of run down boots so I can pull myself up by some ratty bootstraps. I'm willing to work. I CAN WORK. No one wants me.
I'm left feeling like life is just this sheer cliff I've been desperately clinging to for the past two decades. Trying desperately to climb it, but making no progress. I don't care to reach ground level anymore; that's a pipe dream I've given up on. I just want a ledge where I can catch my breath. My hands are blistered and bloody, and I can't keep holding on.
And honestly? If my harness wasn't connected to the people I treasure more than anything else in the world, I would have let go by now; hoping the ground breaks my neck.
I can't do this anymore.