So I (28f) have been working at the same company for the last 3 years, and I'm asking for advice because I don't know what to do. My boss, let's call her S, has been very hostile to me lately and I'm kinda done with her tbh. I'm sorry this is a rant.
Both my husband and I work at the same office but in different areas within the same department. We were not married when we started working here, but we had dated for a few years. He was and intern to S when we were in uni (this is how we both landed our jobs) and she has liked him a lot since then. S is a lesbian so she doesn't like him like him, my husband is just a kind soul and people generally like him.
Things have not been great with S for a while now. S is a very reactive person with her anger and that has been a huge problem for her at work, almost got her fired once, so she already has a strike with HR. I'm her only subordinate, so I get a lot of shit from her. But she is very rude in general, even to her own boss (who is also a woman, let's call her L). L has said to me before that S has made her cry on occasion because of hurtful things she has said while they were discussing work related stuff. L has also mentioned to my husband that she is afraid I would quit because I could no longer stand S and her attitude. And I guess L's not wrong.
Now, I'm not a perfect worker, I make mistakes and I lack in some skills like everyone else does, which I'm trying to get better at. Being honest, I have some trouble communicating effectively, and I'm behind of some of my work. And I get that it can make a boss angry, but S's reactions are almost always blown way out of proportion. There has been times where S has reprimanded me in front of other coworkers, I find that she generally lies or exaggerates things to get a point across (and not just to me), and somehow she always finds a way to compare herself to me (because she used to do the work I do now). She always goes on about how hard it has been to get all the things we have now and how hard she has worked for all that, and how I don't appreciate any of it cause I've had an “easy life”. L has also commented on how S gives herself all the credit and often leaves out the part that she had her support.
Other instances when I feel S has been out of line with her comments. She often commented on my relationship, has never said it verbally but I can tell she thinks I'm not good enough for my husband. She has made comments on how he does all the housework, how I control his money and him, how I have the last word on everything about the relationship, and that I don't take good care of him. None of this is true, she knows crap about our life. She also mentions whenever she has the chance, that she likes my husband more than she likes me because she met him first and that she would risk her neck for him before she does for me, nobody ever asks btw. I'm almost a year older than my husband so whenever she cans, she brings that up and says I took advantage of him, and that I'm a cougar, and that I look so much older than him. Both my husband and I look younger than our age and we get comments on that all the time. She never congratulated us on getting married, I think she didn't even congratulate us when we got engaged. She also comments frequently that my hair always looks disheveled because I don't usually put it in an updo, I do comb it every morning and when I need to, I put it in a ponytail. We don't have any policies regarding hair, except security wise. All of these comments, she makes in front of others, and she tries to make them sound like jokes, but I can tell it's mostly to annoy me and get a reaction out of me.
This past month has been the worst. S has been constantly angry and annoyed with me, her tone of voice has been less than cordial the few times she has talked to me, she doesn't look my way when we are with more coworkers, and her attitude is just so immature and passive-aggressive towards me. A few weeks ago, my husband was busy and wasn't able to take me home at the end of our shift. We have to come in and leave on a company car but S has made a fuss before if I got rides from other people from the office. A friend that I usually ask for a ride was out on vacation so I asked S if she could give me a ride or if I asked someone else. She responded something along the lines of, I don't feel like it since you never ask me for rides anymore, why don't you call (friend) and see if he comes and picks you up. This was not in a joking manner. She has also said in front of other coworkers, 'why are you planning so far ahead? we might fire you because you don't behave well', also not in a joking tone. S is a very controlling person, and she explodes when she loses control. She's also weirdly possessive, and I've had to “ask for her permission” to get rides from other people.
My problem right now is that I'm not sure if I should quit or not. The job is fine, it's in my field and I sort of like it and enjoy it sometimes. The monthly pay is not that great, but every year we get kind of like a production bonus which can go from 15-20 times our monthly salary, sometimes even more. Money wise we would be fine if I quit and my husband kept working. We have talked about this and he supports me in my decision, he has also mentioned he would like me to quit because he sees that I'm struggling right now and he would like me to be happy, he is not happy with the way S treats me regularly but he can't say anything because we have to maintain a professional relationship at the office and there is a conflict of interest because of our marriage. I'm leaning towards quitting, I would be a housewife mostly, and I would look for a remote job with fewer hours, so I don't depend entirely on him. We both have money saved, but we are looking into buying our first house and we don't want to take out such a huge loan. I have thought of staying a bit longer so we can save up more for the downpayment, but it has been very hard and it's taking a big toll on me to stay. I constantly have an upset stomach, my upper back is a mess with stress, I think I'm even clenching my jaw subconsciously because sometimes it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm about to cry all the time, I get home and I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay down, and I feel that the things that usually bring me joy, don't do so anymore. And I find it harder and harder to do what I have to do at work.
I'm also afraid of quitting. I'm afraid that if I quit, it means that I'm a failure and that this job and S defeated me. I also don't wanna worry my family because they already worry so much because me and my husband are far away from home and have no family near us. I'm afraid my life is gonna spiral if I quit. That people are gonna talk shit about me around the office, specially S, and how that can affect my husband because he would still be here. I'm afraid that I'm gonna isolate my husband from the coworkers we do get along with because we would try to avoid S in any social gathering because of me. I also feel that I would be failing myself because I would be leaving a lot of unfinished work here, but then wonder if I'm failing myself for staying here and standing this behavior towards me.
S has said to me before that if she ever crosses a line that I can call her out on it, but I don't trust that, I think it will backfire on me very quickly and that she's just gonna be worse to me. I'm at a disadvantage because of the power play. She doesn't control her temper, so I never know how she's gonna react to anything I say. Also, why should I be the one telling her when she's being rude? She's a grown ass woman (a few years older than me) who should know the difference between treating people right and treating them poorly. And she knows she has a problem, she's been in therapy for more than a year because of her temper, and she knows when she behaves like an ass, she has mentioned this during her lectures before, rarely offered an apology though. So I'm scared to bring this up with her and bear the consequences. I'm also afraid to bring this up with L, I think she would understand a bit, but I also think she's on S's side and would question why I never said anything to S. I could make a complaint to HR, but I don't think I would go thru, I don't have any substantial proof about S's behavior other than my word vs hers. And yes she does have a history with HR, but they still have to investigate a complaint and I don't know if the rest of the office will be much help. So this could also affect me in the aftermath.
I'm sorry this was too long, I just started writing and all of this came out. I'm sure I left out a lot of times S has mistreated me over the last years but I don't remember them right now, I try not to hold on to these memories. Thank you for your time if you read it all.