Learning and building skills both social and technical. Having all these amazing experiences, feeling like I was alive. Working my ass off to get into a top uni for engineering, then having the time of my life there whilst achieving good grades.
I've been in the working world for 2 years now. All that lofty enthusiasm for enacting my potential has evaporated into thin air. It's been 4 jobs now, not making nearly enough to move out (and probably won't for a while, despite a STEM degree – thanks UK). Commuting and the hours are devouring any free time I have in the week (no WFH policy). Going to the club? Forget it. I love doing it but now only have time/energy on saturday night. Sunday is lunch and then its right back to the week's slog. And during the week it's usually dinner, video games and sleep. If I want to meet up with my friends during the week I literally stress because I have to somehow get to the meeting point, spend money, then as soon as I get home it's sleep-work.
And the work… oh lord. In every job it's been some stupid SAAS platform where you bust your ass writing code which evaporates into a rollout. I literally add nothing to society. I'm quite extroverted but of course in engineering/software you meet a lot of people who are vehemently averse to socializing.
I recently bought airpods pro because when I don't have earphones in the office it's dead silence, only mouse clicks and empty stares into laptop screens. I can't believe this is what our species was built for. People often tell me 'oh what do you expect, uni's the best years of your life' which to me adds more depression because it implies the working world is such a load of shit our best years were the only time we had a modicum of financial freedom. And if the next 40 years of my life won't compare, why the fuck am I alive?
Everyone else I've talked to seems completely deluded to me. They just accept that that's the way the world works and keep their heads down. I just wish I'd been born hundreds of years ago where there wasn't this produce-consume cycle of slaving in some software company then coming home and watching TV aimlessly whilst browsing Tiktok because it's all you have energy for. We're fucked as a species.