Does anyone else get this feeling? Like, America hides it behind cultural liberalism and “liberty”, AKA negative rights, and they put a nice veneer of occasional politeness, but holy shit America is like a cartoonishly cruel society that starts at the very top with the glass eyed often pedophilic psychopaths that run this corporatist hellscape and proliferates down to the average American that's a self-centered asshole that despises the poor, despises the marginalized, worships power, and views emotional sadism as the best way to exercise said power.
My entire life has been filled with endless cruelty, both the cruelty I've always been shown and the cruelty I've let myself dish out in turn. From childhood I've experienced like a decade of physical reprimands for “misbehavior” and “disrespect” to the point that my earliest memory is literally being beaten with a belt when I was 4, had a father that was a narcissist that gleefully mocked the poor, larger sized people, non-Americans, and fellow black people he looked down on. Experienced being berated by my teachers for my formative years when I was in grade school constantly then becoming an utter after thought when I ended up in some mostly white all boys school. From my peers I've basically always experienced ostracism and bullying, my first circle of friends were also essentially my worst enemies often times, and when I made it to the high school a life full of toxic friendships became a life of actually fulfilling friendships that were still mostly one-sided, isolation from my white peers, and being treated like a freak and a moron by everyone around me.
The one exception was college, a time still full of ostracism and cruelty where I was a stranger in a crowd and went to a uni with many notorious “rape fraternities” where weekend assaults and drunken debauchery were pretty common; but even then, it was the one part of my life when I was free, spent almost all day every day with a friend, and got high every single day to cope with my entire life up to that point.
Now I'm 25 and have ironically enough become a teacher (something I never wanted to be) at a fucking corporate run elementary school where emotional abuse, threatening, and strict obedience is just the cultural norm from top down starting with the CEO and proliferating to the way the students are treated by staff. My current life consists of being suicidally miserable all day at work where I'm surrounded by bitter and miserable coworkers that openly hate their job and gleefully gossip about one another in the most vicious ways, since I chose to keep to myself rather than joining in gossip I'm essentially despised by most of my coworkers. My only respite in life is my girlfriend who is similarly suicidal and my best friend who isn't depressed but is miserable as fuck at his low wage 7 days a week job.
Nobody I know is fucking happy, almost nobody is fucking happy, I'm not happy and almost never have been, my dad is “happy” but a narcissist, and my mother is one of the few truly content people I actually know.
Basically, America is a cartoonishly cruel society, cruelty is culturally ingrained from top to bottom, the people here lavish in grinding someone who's already down into the mud, they revel in taking the weak and breaking them, they love picking on someone who's different from others and convincing us we are not even human beings worthy of respect.
What's ironic is that for so long, for so fucking long, I truly believed I deserved the life I had, that I was a fuck up and a bastard, a freak and an idiot, I was leading the life I ought to be leading as a failure and a weirdo, if only I wasn't depressed I wouldn't have lost my friends, if only I didn't cope with drugs I wouldn't have wound up being a teacher, if only, if only, if only. And it finally dawned on me…if only I wasn't born in this evil fucking land, maybe my life would not have been what it was.
Fuck.