I have had this problem since my first job. The idea of having to go to work just fills me with constant dread. Having a job feels like a constant dark cloud hanging over everything. Even when I have leisure time, vacation, etc., I can't fully enjoy anything knowing I have to go back to work. I have tried therapy, career counseling, antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and anxiety meds, and none of it has touched this in the slightest. I have tried endless meds and combos of them. It feels like I live in a world that was not made for me because I don't enjoy anything about adult life. I am a ten year old trapped in a 30 year old body. I enjoy playing with toys with my sister and living in our fantasy world in my free time. I am also asexual. It seems to me that growing up is a succession of losing things–the things you love to do, people you love, etc., and being forced to do new things you don't enjoy and be around people you are physically incapable of connecting with and loving (friends, dating, marriage, and work relationships). I want none of that. I want to live in my parents' house with my sister forever and play with dolls and toys and develop my fantasy world. All of it makes me so angry that I have made violent threats and been hospitalized and put on temporary detention order. I can't stand seeing everyone with their happy little society that I'm not a part of. Work is not the only problem by far, but it is the main problem. I genuinely want the world to end because 1) I wouldn't have to go to work anymore or get any older and 2) everyone else would get what they deserve for creating a world I cannot exist happily in. Does anyone have any advice for me or anything to say? And please don't tell me I'm just lazy. I thought that myself for years before coming to the conclusion that there is something seriously wrong with me. I've had every diagnosis under the sun–OCD, GAD, bipolar, borderline, schizotypal, antisocial PD, depression, etc…there is no right answer, and even if there was, none of the meds or therapy work anyway. I also live in a very small town with no access to psychiatrists with good reviews. I just want a little advice. I just got back from vacation and go back to work tomorrow and I'm feeling dreadful and angry about it. I mentioned something to my family about asking my boss if I could telework from home at least two days a week (I'm an admin assistant at a university, and my job is really low key. I essentially get paid to sit in an office alone for 8 hours and do whatever I want, including watching Youtube, surfing the internet, drawing, painting, writing, etc.) My family told me my job wouldn't want me anymore if I ask that, and I assume I should trust them. But if I can't even handle a job like this where I get paid to do absolutely nothing, that means I know I can't handle anything else. I've tried other things and it's always been this way. My last two jobs ended in utter disaster and the psych ward. I just hate work for so many reasons:
- being away from my family
- having to do anything
- having to get up early
- long hours
- weekends are only two days
- knowing about all the things I'd be doing if I weren't working–going shopping, eating out, etc.
- contributing to a society I would rather destroy
- being around other people outside my family–fuck them all
- How the fuck is a 10 year old supposed to handle a job? (trust me, I've worked with 10 year olds, and I am definitely 10 trapped in the wrong body.)