3AM, tired but unable to sleep even though I have been prescribed some of the strongest antianxiety sleep medication out there.
Another fleeting weekend gone, another week of waking up miserable, riding the packed train to work and working like a dog, only to come home so exhausted and so terrified that I have to repeat this again tomorrow, that I'm barely able to do anything.
Then night comes, and the reason for the insomnia is simple, the sheer fear that when I fall asleep its in that exact next moment the cycle begins again.
I am a slave, giving almost all of my time away just to afford the most basic of necessities.
I'm tired, so fking tired, I just want to quit… But then I know that in a couple of months my money will run out and the job searching is yet another excruciating torture one has to go through.
I'm writing this out of sheer desperation and despair, and I am aware that I deserve to hear some harsh truths in the comments, but what if a rich persons reads this and thinks fk it I'll just give 20k to this person…would be enough for me to live job free for 3 years in my country…
Tis but a fairytale and never have I thought I'd beg for money on reddit of all places…
I've lived with depression for more than 15 years, I've spoken to many about my inability to work, but all I've gotten as a response is “you have to, there is no other way”.
How am I suppose to live like this? 10 hours every single day until I die…
And people are okay living like this? There are really people out there living happily working full time, having friends and family? Brainwashed in my eyes… I do not wish of labor, I wish of freedom and working will noy get me there, I refuse to lick boots so I can get a small raise just to work 50 times harder…
I'm just rumbling at this point… Please just tell me I'm not alone, that others here truly believe that work is slavery, that back when actual slavery existed some slaves would be like “there is no other way, at least we have food”. Please tell me that billions are brainwashed to be tools for the rich…
I am still going to work having only one thought in my head, that I can always, at least have the one freedom of being able to quit…even if its just for a damn month, even if I keep “ruining my life and future” again and again…
No I'm not a team player, I'm not passionate, I don't give a single flying fk about your company and your product, I would literally kill a man to be free of this, hell I've thought about commiting a petty crime to just get in jail and be done with all these…
I can tell that my reasoning is all over the place, but this is the desperation and the tiredness speaking…. How am I supposed to think straight when every single day of my life my spirit is being broken again and again.
3AM…wake up, get ready, commute for an hour, do a thing you really don't want to do for 8 hours straight, commute for an hour, get home – so tired, pass out for 3 hours on the couch, wake up, 2 hours of doing something you like anxiously cause tomorrow is approaching. Do this again tomorrow, and they after tomorrow and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
1000 years pass, a couple of kids dicuss after history class “holy fk dude they had to spend half of their walking life working for some dude who had tons of money while they weren't even able to afford rent? Slavery in the 21st centure sure was wild man”
Implying humanity exists till then… The end is near, for all of us anyway.
Thank you for reading, stay strong for you are free.