My dad had a heart attack last night, a relatively minor one but still – he was rushed to the ER and is currently hospitalized, awaiting the result of some tests before he can be released.
I had a very rough night and logged into work this morning (I work remotely) and after a couple hours of unfocused effort through tears and various phone calls with my family, I paged the main channel that I'd be sitting out of Zoom meetings today due to unexpected bad news in my family.
And I feel GUILTY. I feel like I'm somehow lying? Or exploiting my father's health for my own gain – like, he's not dying, it's not that serious. Part of it is, I know my father would himself be deeply embarrassed and upset with me for backing off work. When he called to tell me the news and I started crying, he APOLOGIZED for upsetting me and said he hopes he didn't disrupt my night. To top it all off, he just retired after years and years of a stressful career, that I'm certain directly contributed to his heart attack and other cardiovascular issues he's had in the last year. It's like he finally gave his body permission to break down and now decades of labor is catching up with him.
I'm proud that I at least messaged the channel and didn't over-explain myself in an attempt to feel justified. My workplace is generally really considerate and accommodating, and I know I'm lucky.
I really need to kill the capitalist in my own head before I'm working my life away and having my own heart attack.