First of all, I highly suspect I have ADHD, and heard this might be a symptom, idk if it matters in any way, maybe you guys know something about this too
I cannot work and I need help I cannot bring myself to do the work I am required to do. I thought its about a gaming addiction, bust I managed to stop that just fine. I will do whatever I can, but not work. I read, I workout, and these past days since i stopped with the games thinking that is an addiction and thats why I dont work, my apartment is extremely clean because I cleaned every single place, every corner. But I cannot do the work. And right now, one of my colleagues is asking for some work of mine. And I am so scared and stressed because I cannot give her all of it (did like 66% of it a few weeks ago). And I am always in these positions. I am always stressed that someone will find out, stressed that I dont do the work, stressed about everything. Even during the weekends, I cannot relax, because I know that I am behind and I should use this time to try and get back on track. But I cant. I am so fking weak. I am never happy, not in the last year, because of this. Because 90% of the time this is what I think about. All my life is constant stress and I cant take it anymore. And I want to do it, I made small improvements in the last few weeks, but this is all I can do for now, and there are due dates coming that wont be met like this.
I also feel bad because compared to REAL problems, to existential problems, this stuff? This is a joke, a joke of a problem than any person with the most mild interest in their work could resolve. I am simply paralysed, and suffering because of it, mentally and in my work life dirrectly. Also with my girlfriend and my friends. Because I am never fully there anymore. I am never fully enjoying the moments we spent together anymore. Its always this dread right here, I know im gonna have problems, I know I am missing valuable development, I know everything is affected by this.
A few years ago I really did not understand how a sentiment, be it good or bad, can be with you always, absiolutely always. But it for sure can, and its a very bad situation if its a bad sentiment. I dream about this sometimes too. This has taken control over my life, and there is no good explenation to give to those who are going to ask for one. I simply am going to be in trouble very soon. And yea, this make the situation worse, and makes me feel worse, but I also feel like this all of the time, a bit better when there isnt someone looking into me so closely.
I also do not enjoy doing what I do when I dont work. I normally enjoy gaming and reading and cleaning the house. But not now, I wake up knowing this is what I am going to do all day long. And i dread every day. A week day is the same as a weekend day, so I cannot feel better in the weekends either. To be fair, now is the moment when I will probably get work done (I will still look bad no matter what), but under immense stress and being scared. It happened before, it happens now and will happen again.
This cycle destroys me. And even tho I dont care about my company at all, and I dont care about this coleague too much either, I still feel bad for also letting everybody down Please help.
Sry for the long post