To start, I need to inform that I'm Southeast Asian. This matters because the general culture, laws and outlook on work, as well as mental illnesses and disorders, are very different than that in the west. However, happy to report symptoms are the same everywhere lol.
I started working with an international hotel chain in June last year. Corporate, not guest facing. Just two weeks before that, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2 as well as ADHD but I was only prescribed bipolar medication and man, did it take a toll on me. I'm a fairly social and bubbly person, definitely an extrovert. I use that to my advantage at jobs, I'm always assigned some sort of “office happiness person” role where i plan parties for the office or wtv and I enjoy it. But after the meds, I was a whole different person. I was depressed, I wouldn't talk to anyone in the office. I dreaded going to work. I would count the minutes until the day was over. I struggled trying to stay awake. I was restless. Going through all of this, I was of course, very aware of my own condition and really had a hard time coming to terms it. I was upset at myself a lot.
After my first month at the office, it was mid-year review season for everyone. I was new but I had to do it too and my manager and my team's assistant director sat for the session. They didn't have any comments on my work, but kept bringing up my “attitude”. They said they received complaints that I would sigh out loud and complain about being tired, and i wasn't the same person they interviewed. They said that they knew I had a condition, but ultimately asked me to deal with it. They said if it got worse it would affect office morale. It took me a while to process what they said but once I did, I got a full on panic attack. I went to see my psychiatrist, I took sick leave from work the rest of the week. I considered quitting there and then, but we had a two month notice period and when I returned to work, my manager sat me down because she knew I had a panic attack from all of that and basically apologized, and asked like what she can do to be a better manager yada yada but that was it.
Fast forward, it's been a little over a year. I didn't quit. I've gotten a bit better, but I'm off meds now because I couldn't handle the side effects, but mentally I'm okay. That doesn't change the fact that I still exhibit symptoms like problems paying attention to a single task for a long time. Over the past year, I've been told I've improved a lot, and regardless of my condition, I've never missed a deadline, I'm excelling at work, I've gotten a raise twice. I'm in line for a promotion next year. I'm working really hard towards it.
My manager has recently been promoted to senior manager, and i'm in line to take over her old role. But lately, I feel like she has been very… hostile? She's always breathing down my neck. When I sat next to her, she'd look over at my laptop and if i wasn't doing work, she'd click her tongue. I moved so she couldn't see my laptop anymore. She'd ask what i'm working on, every few hours. Basically micromanaging, but on steroids. I don't mind the managing, but I hate that it seems she doesn't trust me. She always “reminds” me to do my job, and makes me feel like she “needs” to, but.. I've never missed a deadline or slipped up. I hate it. When she's away, I do all of her work, and she has no idea. When I'm away because i'm sick, she texts me and gets upset that work is disrupted because I have a fever. I'm always on top of my work, but she makes me feel guilty… for not having more work? I finish my work early because i'm good at it. I play with my phone at work cos i'm done with work, and tbh, cos ADHD. I need stimulation, this doesn't come in the way of my work though. Is it my fault that I'm not slow and have to be typing all day? Now that I'm bubbly again and chit chat with colleagues, and socialize at the office, she rolls her eyes cos she thinks im not doing work. I feel defeated and i feel like there's no winning here.
Today she texted me, telling me she's been getting feedback from other departments regarding my efficiency. When i confronted the people from other department, they were confused and clueless. I asked her what feedback she heard and she basically pre-empted that she will have A LOT to say the next time we have our mid-year review, which is next week. I am already getting panic attacks thinking about it. I think i'm still triggered over the first time and I'm scared of feeling like im being punished over my condition which i have no control over. I hate it. I want to quit… but the hotel discounts are pretty damn good.