- BACKGROUND OVERVIEW
I work at a corporate service based company, only 10 employees including myself and were all women. I’m the youngest and one of newest (Ive had the position for 8 months now). The position itself was clearly a great fit for me.
I got this job (front desk girl) 8 months ago while my confidence and mental well-being were at complete zero: creating a constant feeling of *fear..*
So in the spirit of trying, I gave this job my all, I hit it off beautifully with the staff and clients despite these on going feelings. I learned how to cope by NOT identifying with the these feelings, but rather acknowledging them as symptoms, which worked very well, but i now know this wasn't a solution, it was just how i coped.
I thought this job would help me become myself again, by forcing myself into an environment where I can socialize and deal with situations that I would rather avoid with these mysterious symptoms of fear. I thought pushing myself through this environment would build my inner self back up. I thought this was the best solution, using it as exposure therapy so I could feel like myself again. Listen, the year before my confidence and well being were at an all time high while building up my resume with different jobs. I swore this was just something that could be tackled by facing this mysterious feeling of fear.
I have finally realized thanks to hindsight, that this was a slow progression of a mental break down.
- DEATIL ABOUT THE ACTUAL JOB
The manager has been there 5 months longer than me, and is the only person we have in the center in a leadership position. The manager makes it clear with her behavior that she doesn’t like me: belittling me, using an absurd condescending tone each time she communicates with me. I always try to avoid talking to her, and those are my good days, the times she chimes in usually destroys the little mood I might’ve had. I’m ironically good at this position, and fit into the company beautifully, but I do not fit into the teams gossip/politics.
I’ve made mistakes in different areas, there was no training involved in these areas where I made mistakes, so I didnt even know mistakes were being made, and due to the manager being new, she wasn’t able to see the mistakes either.
The manager has decided to write me up 3 times in a row just 2 weeks ago, making it clear that if I make a single mistake moving forward, she would fire me.
I’m assuming the manager doesn’t want to lose her job, and needed to write me up suddenly for each mistake I’ve ever made as a new employee.
The full circle of the issue is, due to these weird symptoms of feeling no confidence and what not, I literally couldn't stand up for myself or even say something as she belittles or writes me up. My brain just couldn't do it. I took it all to the chin because I didn't have the energy to say something, It would only create a stressful confrontational conversation, and I just cant do it at this time.
- THE CURRENT SITUATION
So this particular week, I have called out 3 times in a row (today being my 3rd call out). I wake up, get ready for work and everything, (3 days in a row) only to walk towards the door and completely break down emotionally. I then send the manager a text saying I cant come in. Then I'm met with feelings of being a failure, feeling like someone who is too weak to confront anything, feeling like I am unable to make it in this world because I can't even do this.
- Heres what I typed earlier, as soon as I called out, this the feeling I described above: “I’m gonna lose my fucking job because I can’t function this particular week. I’ve just been getting worse. I can’t find any services to get me past this shit Ive been self medicating with weed and Xanax which ironically may have made my situation worse.. despite it all working in the past.”
“I don’t know what happened. It’s been 9 months of progression in the wrong direction. It’s as if I left my subconscious turn into negative, yet my positive beliefs are still with me, I just emotionally cannot feel it. I kept telling myself to keep going through the motions so I could get to a new chapter or page. I still feel the same, and this feeling feels like I’m not myself, no confidence, no happiness in my being, every molecule of myself is fear, it’s like a chemical reactions.. ITS NOT ME. It’s hard to be patient or accept myself in this state”
I feel somewhat better because today, I am finally understanding and accepting what has been going on within ME.
To the person who actually read each word I typed, thank you for your time today. Please do not hesitate to type anything related to this kind of situation. I am looking for wisdom or advice, ill take anything. Thank you guys again for taking the time to read this.