I have been working since I was 15 years old. When I was in high school I worked 6 days a week. I would be at school from 6:50-2:50 and then I’d go straight to work at a my part time job after school from 3-7pm, sometimes 8pm. By the time I would get home my dad would already be in bed. I’d eat, shower, and do my homework. Then I’d go to sleep. I would also work 8 hours every Saturday.
Then I went to college. I was an honors student and a scholarship student which meant I had to take an extra class. I was taking 18 hours worth of classes (6 courses) and working 20-25 hours at a coffee shop. When I wasn’t working or in school I was doing coursework. I was chronically underslept, stressed out, and suffering from severe and debilitating panic attacks that would result in hyperventilating, shaking, and vomiting. I could barely afford my rent and often skipped meals because I couldn’t afford groceries so I’d have to steal pastries from work if I wanted anything to eat.
I ended up having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized. I had to drop out of school and lost my scholarship and honors student status. It was the lowest point in my life and yet the most free I had ever been. I was able to make friends and have hobbies for the first time since I was a child. But I was living paycheck to paycheck and my parents weren’t speaking to me because they were so angry and ashamed that I dropped out of school.
After a few years of working and barely scraping by, I decided to go back to school. I switched jobs and started working as a research assistant which paid more and allowed me to work in between classes on campus. I started doing well in school again. I had straight A’s and was excelling at my job.
A year later, covid hit. All my classes shifted online and I lost my job. My parents offered to help me with rent if it meant I stayed in school but I struggled immensely with the online format. My grades went from A’s to D’s and I was socially isolated and crying everyday.
I have seen countless therapists and tried half a dozen medications and nothing has helped me. The only thing that has seemed to improve my mental health is more free time.
I eventually found another research job and was offered a full time position on a pretty big study. I still had another class to take to graduate but I desperately needed the money and working for the university meant they would help pay for that final class down the line.
So I accepted the job. I’ve been working on it ever since but the study ends in March. I know I need to go back to school but I have zero motivation.
My current job is a cushy desk job. I show up at 8 and leave at 5. A lot of people would kill for this job but it’s destroying me. I have no time or energy to myself for hobbies, exercise, sex, date nights, or hanging with friends. By the time I get home, make and eat dinner, shower, and do basic household chores like laundry or dishes, I get like 1 hour each day before I have to go to bed.
I hate it. I hate everything when I’m stuck like this. I get to see my family only 2-3 times a year, my friends maybe 1-2 times a month, and quality time with my fiancé only once a week. I feel like I’m wasting my life and youth. I can’t keep it together. I’m so burnt out. I’m not lazy. I’m exhausted and mentally ill and I don’t have the time or money or energy to better myself in the ways that I need.
I’m so tired and angry at the world. I’m sick of crying from stress in the bathroom at work. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel so stripped of any sense of identity or agency in my life.