19f.
Got a job at Costco 3 months ago. Today was my 90 day eval. Got brought into the back room, already having a miserable day so wasn’t looking forward to starting my shift. Basically got told I’m a very friendly person that is ‘eager to help’ but I am slow and don’t pay attention to detail and always look ‘confused’. Apparently I need to pick up the pace, which I’ve been trying to do, and at the moment I don’t fit in with the fast paced environment so I need to try harder. Since my 30 day eval I genuinely have been trying to be faster and stuff. The thing is, I have autism, so processing things is hard and I’m not just ‘playing dumb’ as my parents like to call it. Of course my work doesn’t know that because I wouldn’t have gotten hired in the first place. Near the time my manager finished reading it off I was on the brink of tears and never wanted to lock myself in a bathroom stall more.
So I did just that, and unrelated but off course there was in old lady in the middle of an accident with the other manager fishing her new pants.
Told myself, I’m tired of this. I’ve been having horrible mental health lately, I’ve attempted multiple times since starting this job looking for a way out and the only reason I didn’t quit was because my parents are threatening to kick me out on the street if I do. I can’t afford to live. I’m working off my debt but if I keep going I’m Gen going to do something drastic I know it. I can’t handle this combined with university and the like. I need a break. So, I’m not returning. That’s it. Yeah I’m a coward but I think I might go into cardiac arrest telling them I’m done. So I’m gonna hide in the shadows and ignore I don’t care. Yeah it’ll look bad. But I’m not gonna live for much longer anyway. If I live long enough to get my degree, by then hopefully I’ll be fine. I’m at home. In bed. In a lot of pain. But in a way… I’m relieved to be free. Over the next few days I’ll be called all sorts of things by my family, but for now, I get to enjoy the tranquility of my sleep meds.
Goodnight.