Honestly, I don’t know what to title this. I’m also probably going to write a lot of text since I feel awful about this yet again. I have talked about it before in some other posts, but I am still living the reality of what is happening and needed to talk somewhere today.
This all happened in the same week a couple of months ago. On Wednesday, I went to my office in person to lead a workshop. After lunch I started to feel really sick, had a migraine, and went to the ER. They told me I was just dehydrated (wrong) and that I should wait for my MRI scan, which was to happen four days afterwards.
On Thursday, I worked from home, since I physically did not feel well. Suddenly, my manager asked me if I was ok to have a meeting. This was around lunch time and I said yes. Thinking back to it, I would’ve said no if I had known what it was about. I was also in some pain so it would have at least allowed me to take it easy.
In the meeting, there was an HR lady that I had never seen before telling me I was getting laid off, because my company was not doing well. She told me I had three options – find a position in the company but outside of the department, keep working for two months and get some severance, or end my employment in that same month and get better severance. I was to make a decision in less than a day and let her know, which I found incredibly rushed. I decided I was gonna look for internal positions, if I couldn’t find anything, I was going to leave in the same month.
I was so taken aback by this. I have been with the company for 8+ years, have gone through various positions, done so many overtimes, and have tried my best even though in the past year I had physical symptoms show up that made me feel horrible sometimes. I was honestly so sad, but still I was determined to find another job in the city soon, so I began looking online.
On Sunday, three days later, I had my MRI scan. My manager knew that it was happening. My manager was also the one telling me to come to the office even though I was having headaches, I guess he was instructed to do so. Anyway.
The machine found a tumour in my brain on that day. I was shocked by this. I knew I had been having symptoms, but they hadn’t happened all at once, and I didn’t suspect the worst at all. I had to come back to the hospital where they did the MRI and stay there, waiting for surgery that was to happen asap. I was in shock and had to have medication to make me feel calmer, but I still felt lost as hell. Two days after I found out, I emailed the HR lady from the meeting (from my hospital bed via phone) that I was not signing any documents she had sent me, and I was hospitalized. She emailed back saying she was sorry I was going through that, but the decision to let me go was irreversible. That was not something I wanted to read at all, I was supposed to keep as calm as possible so that the surgery would go ok. I was losing my will to live right then and there, in a way.
I was completely dejected and felt double the amount of depressed, if that makes sense. I knew I would have to go through the surgery (which took 9 hours), didn’t know if I was gonna wake up, was gonna have to be monitored forever, and I was ALSO already thinking about my job ending. If I’m honest it felt like a reality with my coworkers and job gone, all my effort just discredited like that, was not a reality I wanted to live in.
The realization that they’ll want to let me go once my sick leave ends is still with me. Not only will I have to keep visiting doctors and get scans forever, which is already super hard on my mental health, but I’ll also have to think about what job I’m going to do and where. It’s bad enough losing my independence, I can’t believe they’re doing this to me when I need stability the most. Im dejected.
I feel like I’m just a number to them and like they haven’t been thinking about my well being from the start, even though all these company surveys, town halls, and videos say otherwise. I feel cheated. Why am I the one to pay for their mistake and why at this time??
I don’t know if I can do anything, to be honest. I’m scared to talk about it all right now, but I have thought about contacting the media when they let me go or possibly a lawyer. The fact is that they told me the news three days before the MRI, but I know some decisions can still be changed, and I know they’ve caused me so much stress during a time when I have been supposed to keep relaxed. I’m just so sad and angry that they have put me through this much (that is still ongoing) on top of everything else, and that they really scared me when I was meant to be as stress free as possible in the hospital. I honestly don’t know if I’ll have a case and right now I don’t want to take any action at all, in case I’ll magically be okay and employed in the end.
Oh I just remembered how they said I could still have my interviews for internal positions, but they had to happen within two weeks. I was literally in the hospital for 10 days unable to focus on even my phone, because I had double vision. I was in no shape or form to have an interview!
I’m also based in Europe and 30yo if that means anything. That’s all… I really valued my job even though I complained about it sometimes, I was quite proud of myself for keeping it that long. It was the first company I worked at after uni and I can’t believe that, despite my condition, they may very well still lay me off (like they said, this has been portrayed as irreversible).
PS my tumour is benign, I have a check up MRI in a few days, and still have to visit an oncologist because they couldn’t get 5% of it during the surgery as it’s attached to my brain stem. Physically I was super weak in the hospital after the surgery (even fainted once), but I’m a bit stronger now. I get dizzy but I can even go to a nearby shop sometimes. I have also talked to a psychologist and have another appointment soon. Thanks for reading.