Sorry for the bait title! Although it's not bait it's true. Which upsets me even more about my story.
I work for a small organization, and in terms of layout, structure, etc… it's very lax, which is a double edged sword.
On the one hand, my hours are extremely flexible, and there's no supervision.
On the other hand, my duties change almost daily. I initially applied as an administrative assistant but quickly learned that my job was anything but that. In fact, I was put in charge of several operations at this organization.
I don't want to go into detail because I feel my situation is exceptional enough (and I'm paranoid), but like I said, I do love my job, I have no issue even volunteering my time, which is something I've done a lot. A lot of times I'm asked to work on weekends, and I haven't logged those hours (intentionally, because I just love being here, this is naive as fuck I know).
However, as I said, my duties continue to grow. I didn't start this with any expectation of being in any position of leadership. In fact, I don't think that's what I'm built for. I think I'm great at following instructions and doing tasks given to me, but handing them out, delegating, and telling people what to do, not in my blood. I don't treat it like a deficit, just not who I am.
Anyway, I'm realizing the burden of leadership is like, bearing down on me. I'm extremely overwhelmed and stressed most of the time even though, as I said, I'm happy to be here, but the stakes of leadership and the potential of failing and screwing up is so extreme in my mind that it paralyzes me so much. I feel like I've personally invested myself into this organization and, though I do enjoy it, this was a mistake as I've allowed myself no room to fail.
Needless to say, being in this constant state is terrifying for me, I don't feel good, I'm extremely depressed and when I'm not working I'm in my room doing nothing, anticipating work, or the occasional after hours phone call.
Performance wise, I feel like I'm a rockstar. I get shit done, I'm everywhere all the time, and I rarely screw up (see above: things i should definitely talk to my therapist about).
That's another thing! I talk to my therapist about this all the time, I was even extremely close to quitting recently, simply because I can't handle this pressure anymore. On the other hand, I also can't handle the prospect of quitting, because it feels like a massive personal failure, and I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
I'm also frustrated. My boss is an extremely nice person, but she refuses to hire extra help. I don't believe that she's convinced that I don't need help, I just think budget wise she can't afford another person. (Small organization). She also takes my concerns seriously, but when I gave her a six-month notice of a vacation I would like to take, she preferred that I split it rather than take it all at once. Usually I wouldn't care, but I ask for so little and I do so much, it feels incredibly stupid to me that I can't even have my vacation on my own terms because there's always work to be done. Of course there's work to be done, it's a fucking job! If this was honestly any other work situation and I didn't get an absolute yes for a six month advance on my vacation notice I would have just quit right there.
I'm in this dilemma, and I think I'm going to quit soon. I think I'm doing a great job but it's coming at an extreme mental and emotional cost that I just can't bear anymore.
I keep searching for jobs but even the prospect of working fills me with anxiety now, I'm so burnt out and I need a break but I can't have it. Things just keep happening at work all the time and I have to stay on top of them.
I don't know what to make of this, I'm writing out my thoughts so I can word them out and have something to read to my therapist at my next session. But if someone has some advice for me I would be grateful.