Bare with me, it’s 2:22 am and I’m sitting here thinking I’m at my lowest.
I am a young adult who wanted to be a software engineer. I’ve always wanted to be an engineer, the idea of innovation and creating technology that helps people has always inspired me.
I currently am a server but the shifts are far and in between, I am thankful to have a job but it’s hard. The belittling is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy serving. I enjoy helping people and joking around with people but I’ve learned that doing the best you can, is not good enough. Im always the first to come and last to leave, I help around. I pick up the slack and am always looking for things to clean/improve and doing it without being told to. It’s what I enjoy, but even when I try so hard and my bosses praise me, they somehow can never find shifts for me to work.
I’m currently in the market, I’m a student at community college currently getting my associates in AI then planning to get a bachelor’s in software engineering. Every job that I’ve interviewed with, I’ve gotten in.
I’m not trying to sound cocky or that I think I’m better then anyone, I’m only saying it because it’s matter for context. It matters to me because I try my absolute best in every job I work at, because I enjoy it.
Anyways, the tech market for students in a community college is extremely competitive because there is barely any. I haven’t gotten any interview opportunities. I understand, I lack experience but I can’t get any.I live with my parents but I don’t want to have to come to the point where I ask them for financial assistance.
They are telling me, “just tell your college you need a job” and that I “have to get one in tech” that “getting a serving job is just the easy way out”. I’ve put my resume up online and applied to jobs, I even had a tech job . For 3 days, they hired me because I wrote them a letter explaining how passionate I am in creating technology that is accessible for everyone. 40k a year, they talked about a huge position. Then I figured out the software they want to produce is illegal. And after talking to some lawyers, there was no way to fix it. They fired everyone they just hired, 3 days I was there. Technically I wasn’t even an employee yet.
I stayed late and did everything they asked of me, and in they end they asked if I wanted a shirt or something. Like no I wanted the job.
Anyways now I come to realize the corporate world isn’t for me. I want to make technology that helps people not take advantage of them . I want to work for a company that cares for both the customers and employees. But that’s rare and far between. Then add the fact I want a livable wage, impossible.
Now I just don’t know what to do. I’m so done with this system. I wish I couple create a company that was ethical and cared but I can’t. I have no finance no real experience or plan. All I know is that I won’t survive in this system we have now.
Currently I can’t pay my bills, I am ashamed to ask for help. I can’t focus on taking care of myself and I am struggling paying attention in school, like honestly what is the point.
Why choose to participate in this world when it’s all about gathering and consuming instead of improving and creating.
Who created these stupid rules and why must I just accept them? When did we get to the point of just blind compliance?
I want to do good. Or question the laws of quantum mechanics to figure out WHO we are and WHAT are we made of and WHAT for. Not upselling.
I accept and acknowledge my privilege, to be able to attend school and have a roof over my head. And even with that I feel ashamed to say it’s not enough for me. Ignoring the needs of other, praising the bare minimum, and biting my tongue.
I can’t do it. Am I overreacting? Am I arrogant? How do I just suck it up and adult?
I am sorry for the rant but I feel so alone. Does anyone else feel the same?