After everything I've been through I just can't believe this is my reward in life. I've spent the last however many days just couped up in bed because I am dreading the reality of the next however many years of my life where I have to do the same thing everyday just to survive. For context I'm 23 and have survived many things that gave me a new perspective on life. When I was 12 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was supposed to kill me. 11 years later I am still alive and it just eats me inside that this is my reward. My girlfriend committed suicide when I was 18 and today is the 5 year anniversary of her death. I have been morbidly depressed ever since and I want to college to study psychology to help people in her situation and hopefully help people who have dealt with similar things I have. I have a scholarship now to a great university for grad school but as time goes by I have stopped believing in psychology.
I believe the main cause of human suffering is the soul crushing reality that capitalism brings upon us. It's like looking at a dog that has lived in a cage it's whole life and saying it is sad because of a “chemical imbalance” or someother bs reason that ignores the biggest factor in it's depression. The cage. Well he's not well adjusted to the cage we need to find a way to get him “well adjusted” to the situation he is in. That's the way psychology looks at the problem. Instead of seeing the real problem of dogs don't belong in cages. They deserve and need to be free. Capitalism is the cage and no amount of talk therapy will fix that reality. So now I'm jaded and thinking of dropping out of school and just working some bullshit job to survive.
But is this really what I survived for? Like I was supposed to die, I have dealt with countless traumas in my life stemming from that and also other things and now my reward for pushing through the bullshit is to do some soul crushing job as a lil pawn in the capitalist machine. Or continue in school to be a therapist to put a bandaid on the problems that capitalism causes. Either way of looking at it causes me dread. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm irratable and most of all I'm just sad. I'm sad for everyone who has to experience this reality. We are not meant to live this way as human beings. People in ancient tribes had wayy more leisure time than this. We are the most advanced we have ever been as humans and yet we work more and harder than humans at almost anytime in history. It is bs. I hate it here and I'm tired. I don't want to work just to prop up this broken system. I just want to get out of the cage. And live free like we are supposed to.. As a grad student studying psychology I can say this way of living is not psychology healthy. And anyone who says it is, is too close minded to view the world in a different way then it already is. When we have the resources to feed house, and clothe every single person on earth and don't. It is not an individualistic problem, it is a societal one. And don't let anyone gaslight you into believing it is not. Humans are not meant to live this way. It is no complement to be considered “well adjusted” in a sick society. That's one of my favorite quotes and it is so true and applicable to how we are living today.
Sorry if this is bad grammar or poorly written. I'm just jaded on an emotional day for me and had to let this out.. And maybe find some solace in others that feel the same way..