I just don’t want to have to spend all my days being productive. I want to lay down, and do nothing but read or watch videos and eat. I figured that this feeling stems from my depression, cause if I was like “I don’t wanna work, but I do want to go out and live life” then it could be more reasonable, but no, I’m just like “I don’t want to do anything at all. Just whatever makes me feel good without doing drugs”.
Lately, I’ve been using my phone waaaaay too much, like, I’ll wake up, try to do homework, and end up spending all day on my phone watching whatever, and by the end, it feels like my brain is fried and I feel guilty for not doing my homework. Then, that makes me think about how much I don’t want to have to work, and… idk, I guess I just don’t feel entirely happy, because even though it feels like I do have a purpose, which is to study my career so I can go on to have an independent life, it also feels like the outcome of that will be for me to have to waste away my life doing graphic design or UX work for some corporation until I die, and even if I did freelance stuff for projects I liked, I still feel like I’d be doing it out of necessity for money, instead of an actual desire to do this work.
It feels like the second I graduate, my life will be all about making some corporation rich while I only get to spend two days doing whatever I want. It feels depressing, and idk, I feel like I’m looking at this though a fatalist lens when in reality, working isn’t that bad. Maybe I’m in the wrong sub to ask people if working isn’t as bad as it seems in my head.
I just feel confused because to a certain extent, it feels like my unwillingness to work, also spreads over into an unwillingness to do anything in life, which screams depression to me, but I wonder if to a certain extent, beyond the dark veil of depression, there’s a real desire to not work and instead just do things I like, like writing stories or making music or things like that.
I know that none of you will probably be able to straight up say “no, it’s your depression” or “no, you actually have a point and it isn’t only your depression” but, have any of you ever felt this way? Also, idk if it’s important to say, but I’ve got adhd, and that also makes me feel sad sometimes because it feels like my brain is wired differently from the rest of the world, and it feels like I just won’t be able to deal with life the way it is.
Idk, I guess I do feel somewhat depressed today, but, that aside, if any of you have any encouraging words or advice, I’d really appreciate it. I know we all probably dislike work, otherwise we wouldn’t be in this sub, but I would really love to not hate work. I’d like to be able to fit this society and do what’s expected of me and play into this capitalist dystopia, and to not feel like everything I buy is another nail in the earth’s coffin (meaning global warming), and not be bothered by the growing algorithmic nature of media in general with movies following predictable structures, music following trends, and specifically social media pushing mind numbing content, but I just can’t help feeling these things, and I can’t help feeling like society is sick, and unhealthy, but maybe it’s me who’s sick and unhealthy.
I don’t know what to think and I am definitely running this idea through my therapist when I see her, but… in the meant time, I’d love to listen to you guy’s opinions. Like I said, any words of encouragement, or advise would be greatly appreciated. I hope you all have a good day.