First off, I’ve called in a total of 6 times this year, 3 of those were Sundays, but the others were other weekdays (I keep track).
Second, I’m a human being. I was suffering anal bleeding (I even told her that) and severe terror and derealization (didn’t say this) and severe lack of sleep (mentioned that).
The last time I called in (2 months ago) this same supervisor said “You just didn’t feel like coming in, that’s OK, just say so.”
This supervisor is a monster, she scolds employees in front of customers too.
Last night I was literally dripping a lot of blood on the toilet, and started feeling UNIMAGINABLE TERROR AND DETACHMENT FROM REALITY (I was still shaken up from a nightmare I had the night before, and seeing my mom while still not completely awake triggered UNBEARABLE TERROR, for the next hour. Like I was about to get up and full on scream at the top of my lungs in fear/terror and beg to go to the hospital/ER.
It just felt like reality was gone, maybe I wasn’t even me. I ended up somehow falling back asleep, but the next night this feeling happened while I was bleeding out my butt on the toilet.
I was feeling terrified even thinking about my mom, because she looked different and seemed so unreal when she came in to check on me. I know she didn’t mean to trigger anything like that in me.
So last night I’m on the toilet, bleeding out my butthole, and I start feeling this UNBEARABLE/UNIMAGINABLE TERROR, and like reality is just, not the same, or not here anymore? My body was shaking, my arms shaking, my brain chilling and tingling as I feel that terror.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt THAT SCARED, it was like, some otherworldly type of terror. I felt like just screaming at the top of my lungs in pure terror, and begging to go to the hospital/ER.
Fortunately I somehow calmed down, but what I felt coming, was terror and panic beyond what I could ever even imagine is even possible.
I imagined a bunch of police and ER responders tackling me, yelling at me, everyone thinking I’m crazy, and charging me with crimes, expecting me to somehow just knock it off.
I imagined getting locked up in a mental institution, where I’d be abused and probably not even properly helped.
Regardless of what response I would get, I just don’t want to even experience that episode AT ALL. It’s like, that level of fear and terror is infinitely high.
If I deserve a life of failure and dependency, fine. I just don’t want to go into that realm, I don’t want to feel it trying to pull me, or enter inside of me. I wanted a life of personal success and independence, but if I can’t have that, I just want peace. Inner peace. No evil or demonic shit, or whatever that could possibly be.
This is worse than anything else I could possibly imagine.
I went to a walk-in clinic, mostly about the bleeding, but I mentioned all of this. He helped with what he could, but recommended a psych doctor for the sleep issues, nightmares, panic/terror. I already planned on that.
I cannot continue telling my psychiatrist that I’m fine. Even the fear of adjusting meds, I mean I just experienced the most insane fear/terror and detachment from reality I could have ever even possibly imagined.
I could end up put in a psych ward from how trying to withdrawal meds or changing meds, but I could be heading that way NOW.
I’m almost 28 and it was foolish to ever think you just grow out of this stuff. I’m afraid it might be getting worse. I’m sorry I’m not a real productive member of society, I’m really dealing with too much trauma and, disturbances to properly function, I’m not choosing this.
If I lose my low level job, I’ll lose health insurance and really fall into debt. When I turned 26 I couldn’t stay on my parents (US law).
As much as I don’t want to end in a mental institution, or my mom having to become my legal guardian or something like that, my biggest fear is that terror and derealization sticking around, and taking me beyond the imaginable limits.
Any real life consequences are better than experiencing that terror and derealization.
I’m also afraid that any type of breaking down crying, or getting mad, could trigger the terror and derealization beyond proper comprehension.
My supervisor is a b-word by the way…..