I used to be at least decent at my work and now its downhill.

I've pretty much had a job a year since i graduated uni, because i was so unhappy. suicidal unhappy. and I figured, I have no idea what will happen next but no job is worth feeling like this.

Almost a decade later, and 8 years of the trauma of job hunting and i just can't go back, so the job I have now, I just told myself, I have to make it work. There is nothing else. If i die trying on this path, then so be it, there is no alternative. I've spent the last 8 years wracking my brain trying to figure out what kind of work i can do that can make me happy and to be honest there are probably plenty of things that would at least make me happier than this, but in this economy those jobs either pay crumbs or just don't exist.

the truth is no matter how much people tell you to chase your dreams and that it'll work out, its just simply not true. There aren't fashion stylist jobs for every one who loves fashion. In fact my whole country has exactly 2 fashion magazines, and 30 fashion school grads every year. I'd love to write fiction full time and have been working at getting better and submitting for over 10 years and getting an agent and published is equal to becoming a Hollywood actress, it happens, but the odds aren't in our favour AT ALL.

so when reality hits you say, well, i have to make this work, because i can't live in 2023 and pay off debts on minimum wage. but the way they talk to me at this job absolutely guts me, and my self esteem is so low because i make so many mistakes and it makes me feel like i am truly incompetent. like i have nothing left. no dignity, skill, talent, attention, or determination.

how can i go back to interviewing? I have no references, because i was at my jobs so briefly and the whole providing references thing seems so inauthentic to me in a way that makes me physically anxious and nauseous to participate in.

I wake up crying because im a liar. I have to fake the joy and excitement and will to get better at this job. this job i spend all my time at. i lie and fake, fake and lie. because what else can i do. the truth, being my authentic self, gets my unemployed or minimum wage.

I used to be so strong and sure of myself. I'm a shell and I look forward to nothing. what is there to look forward to under these circumstances?

I used to be at least decent at my work and now its downhill.

I've pretty much had a job a year since i graduated uni, because i was so unhappy. suicidal unhappy. and I figured, I have no idea what will happen next but no job is worth feeling like this.

Almost a decade later, and 8 years of the trauma of job hunting and i just can't go back, so the job I have now, I just told myself, I have to make it work. There is nothing else. If i die trying on this path, then so be it, there is no alternative. I've spent the last 8 years wracking my brain trying to figure out what kind of work i can do that can make me happy and to be honest there are probably plenty of things that would at least make me happier than this, but in this economy those jobs either pay crumbs or just don't exist.

the truth is no matter how much people tell you to chase your dreams and that it'll work out, its just simply not true. There aren't fashion stylist jobs for every one who loves fashion. In fact my whole country has exactly 2 fashion magazines, and 30 fashion school grads every year. I'd love to write fiction full time and have been working at getting better and submitting for over 10 years and getting an agent and published is equal to becoming a Hollywood actress, it happens, but the odds aren't in our favour AT ALL.

so when reality hits you say, well, i have to make this work, because i can't live in 2023 and pay off debts on minimum wage. but the way they talk to me at this job absolutely guts me, and my self esteem is so low because i make so many mistakes and it makes me feel like i am truly incompetent. like i have nothing left. no dignity, skill, talent, attention, or determination.

how can i go back to interviewing? I have no references, because i was at my jobs so briefly and the whole providing references thing seems so inauthentic to me in a way that makes me physically anxious and nauseous to participate in.

I wake up crying because im a liar. I have to fake the joy and excitement and will to get better at this job. this job i spend all my time at. i lie and fake, fake and lie. because what else can i do. the truth, being my authentic self, gets my unemployed or minimum wage.

I used to be so strong and sure of myself. I'm a shell and I look forward to nothing. what is there to look forward to under these circumstances?