Hi. This will be too long because i don't know how to explain my situation without being specific about it. Please hang on, i need your advice. I'm 21 years old and today i had my first day working at a cafeteria near my department. My closest loved ones told me to search for a job so that i could get busy and stop spiraling into depression and anxiety. Of course, my plan is for me to be able to invest in therapy and live a fulfilling life some day. I have had a couple of jobs before as a waiter so i felt confident in my capacities at the start of the day, but this job asked me to perform and be flexible at lots of other tasks that maybe I wasn't prepared for.
The app from the which the cafeteria registered every order made had so many intricacies, and it made everything so much harder for me to make a simple order than i was accustomed. The talking codes my coworkers used to give signs to one another and make everything efficient were kinda difficult for me to understand on a first day.
I had an incredible manager who supported me all the way in order to train me with everything, i learned a lot from him today and he saw my progress and will to work. That's why it's a shame that i only focused on a certain employee (barista) that put me down because i didn't take into account a certain order correctly. The client was very picky and confused me like hell, he just wasn't satisfied with the drink he literally asked me to bring because “it was artificially made and wanted us to do it right there” or something like that… when i told that to the barista, she explained me how this “coffee fusion cool brew” was naturally premade by the distributors and it had to be storaged for several hours in a bottle for it to be drinkable. She said that but over-explained for like 3 paragraphs and left me speechless in what should i really say to the client. She had to personally meet the client and explain everything she told me because i didn't understand anything atm. Then, after she helped me with that, she shouted at me if i was going to take to that client its american coffee in a terrible tone and i got scared because i never heard anything about an american coffee from that client (i was too busy trying to fix the cool brew situation). She then told my manager to “please not leave him alone doing anything” and my manager, taking her side told me i better go wash dishes.
This is where my sensitive, low self-esteem trapped my whole being and as much as i tried to contain my feelings in public, I started crying there while i was washing them. Her words struck a nerve, they catalyzed my intrusive thoughts and i rapidly told my manager i had to go for a moment and basically ran to the bathroom to cry disconsolately and uncontrollably. I felt not only useless, but even like a hindrance to everyone working there. Maybe she was right, maybe i'm genuinely not trustable with simple tasks enough to be left alone. Maybe i'm such a disfuncional person to society that i can't even work as a waiter properly. I've always liked serving people, but i can't even do good deeds right.
My manager noticed i was missing for awhile and reached out to me and gave me great life advices (conveniently, he is graduated in psychology). He told me aswell how i couldn't put so much pressure into myself and my work output when it was my very first day and there were going to be many things i wasn't going to be familiar with for now. It was enough to calm me down and i got back to work after about 15 minutes of slow breathing.
I feel tired from crying all day. I had to take breaks while writing all of it here. Now i don't know if i want to go back tomorrow because i'm scared about me, proving further that i'm not viable to meet the standard. What if she's right and my manager starts seeing me as a hindrance too after a while? What if i ultimately don't get the job (i'm still being capacitated) because of me confusing everything? I know that a job shouldn't define my value, but whatever people think about my output does define a reality about how useful could i be.
I've always beaten my own self and underestimated my capacity so, when someone else does it, I feel as if I confirm my biggest fears. I live in México, and these next 2 days are going to be all about pressure. September 15/16 are like the 4th of July from here. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day and i don't feel ready to overcome that. I think about not showing up, but i also really need this job to turn my life around. I don't know what to do.