TW: sexual assault
Personal context because it’s relevant: I’m a 23 year old bisexual man. Also sorry for the length. I need to vent.
Last week I went to the ‘going away’ celebration for my boss. I don’t tend to really socialise with people from work outside of work and prefer to be reserved otherwise. This is because when I was 17 another boss of mine sexually assaulted me. It’s always made me prefer to have very solid boundaries at work, particularly with my bosses.
However, that was 6 years ago and I now work in an entirely different field and even like some of the people I work with. It took a bit of convincing from a couple of the girls I chat with a lot during shifts and even a discussion with my therapist where he said I should put myself out there more but eventually I agreed to go to the event.
It was very casual drinks at a rooftop bar in the city followed by dinner. The job hires predominantly younger people so we were all in our 20’s to 30’s. There were 8 of us. My boss (mid 30’s male) (B), his soon to be replacement (B2) (late 30’s female) and a mix of staff below them (in total there were about 8 of us).
B brings his fiancé to drinks which was a nice surprise because we hadn’t met him before but heard a lot about him. Drinks was fine and fiancé says his goodbyes before we all leave for dinner. On the walk to the next restaurant one of the girls (a bit drunkenly) says “now that fiancé is gone, B might start coming into OP since it’s his last night”. I was confused and asked what she meant, the 3 girls that convinced me to come out then proceeded to tell me about how, since I was hired, he’d made countless comments about me to them and other staff about my appearance, his attraction to me and even at one point ‘what he wanted me to do to him’. It grossed me out frankly and immediately made me panic a little given my past experience but they assured me it was fine and he’s just weird (which we’ve all joked about together like I feel normal people do when judging their boss) (also i haven’t told anyone about from work about my SA) .
We get to dinner. We all order and people get more drinks. Another coworker (C) (mid 30’s) but from a different area of the company sits next to me. I like him and we’ve always had good laughs at work so we pick up conversation. I even ask him about B’s comments and he confirms them and tells me more examples. Then all of a sudden he put his hand on my knee under the table. I kind of freeze and he slowly starts moving up my thigh and rubbing. I immediately left to the bathroom and texted some friends asking if I could go to their place because I wanted an out but didn’t want to be alone. I must’ve been in there 20 seconds before C and B both walk into the bathroom and I immediately walk out again to find dinner arrived.
Dinner wraps and I have no reply from my friends and I really didn’t want to leave and be alone. I also didn’t want to leave without an excuse because everyone knew I wasn’t working the next day plus (hard to explain) but I felt obligated to stay for my therapist (like I’d made a promise to try socialise).
We’re walking to another bar after dinner and on the way one of the girls says she wants to grab her charger from her hotel room (she lives over 2 hours away so was staying with 2 of the other girls in a shared room). We all go up as a group cause people needed the bathroom and others wanted water and next thing I know we’re in the hotel room and they’ve brought 3 1 litre bottles of vodka out of the fridge and they all decide to just have a hotel room party instead.
After 20 minutes of people doing shots (I said I felt sick and didn’t want to drink anything more after dinner to be safe) B goes to ‘nap’ on the bed. That’s when B2 (who’s supposed to be my new boss starting the next day) suggests to everyone I go cuddle with him or give him a lap dance while he’s asleep. I fake laughed and went to the bathroom to call my friend who’d just replied.
As I’m leaving, C follows me out to the elevator cause he ‘wanted to chat’ then proceeded to block the elevator doors with his hand and starts kissing me. It felt like 6 years ago all over again. I just stood there frozen and thankfully the elevator alarm went off due to the blocked door and he stepped back and let me go.
I don’t know what happened after I left and I was the first to go. I felt so gross and uncomfortable. While this is the recent worst case, at my last 2 jobs I’ve had coworkers and managers comment on my appearance to me or other coworkers. I hate it and it keeps happening. It makes me feel so gross and honestly worthless, like I’m only hired to be looked at.
Anyway. Vent over. I got home safe and B is gone. B2 is the new boss and hasn’t mentioned the party to me when I’ve seen her. I haven’t seen or heard from C since the night. I’ll probably quit but I need the money to be honest. It’s my second job that I’m working at the moment so I need to find something to fill the gap between then.