I was fired from my job in November after just 6 months on the job. My father died 2 months earlier and I was struggling to keep up with the long hours. I also made the decision to cut my mentally ill mother off because her whole family has been harassing me to give up my share of the estate so that she could buy a new house (she thinks the old house is haunted by my father’s ghost). So I gave up a good $300k worth of inheritance to be free… at the worst time possible.
So my manager decided I was “unmotivated” instead of, you know, depressed from losing a parent.
I know I should take some time to process my trauma and come to terms with the fact that very little (if at all) of this is my fault. But I just cannot stop feeling like a failure.
I cannot stop thinking how in the span of 6 months, I went from empathetic tech-bro with multiple 6-figure offers to unemployed loser with a mortgage and a family to feed. And I cannot stop looking for jobs because of precisely that.
Every morning I wake up, has a panic attack in the shower, then put on a brave face and go about writing my applications and attending interviews. I tell potential employers of my past achievements and how I’ll be a valuable addition to their team. But I just feel like a bigger and bigger loser with each rejection.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of night unable to breathe. My partner is scared shitless but there is only so little he can do to help.
I know I’m doing everything I can to improve my situation. But I’m so tired of all this. I had to fight poverty, racism, and homophobia to get to where I am in life. I have triumphed over so much adversity but life is still an uphill battle. I’m so tired of it now.