We recently had our internal Q2 earnings call, hosted in part by our CFO.
During the usual screed detailing the money saved by various cost-cutting measures (which, in this quarter alone, included laying off over 1,000 people and slashing benefits like tuition assistance), the CFO made it a point of pride to mention:
“Pensions were favorable due to factors like mortality. We're hoping and expecting this trend to continue into Q3.”
'Favorable,' in earnings speak, of course means that the company spent less than was budgeted on a certain area, which of course results in their saving money.
The company was bragging that, thanks to employees dying (how considerate to our bottom line!) after dedicating enough of their lives to have earned a pension in the first place, we saved a little bit of money that can now be deposited directly into shareholders' pockets.
The CEO wrapped up said call by telling the Legend of Jerry – a truck driver they overworked to the point of his falling asleep behind the wheel and crashing his truck, resulting in severe injuries that required hospitalization – who was so terrified of being fired that he refused to let EMTs treat him until his boss gave him the okay to leave the site. They asked us to consider “what would Jerry do?” when questioning how much dedication we wanted to devote to our jobs.
This entire story is being posted as a reminder to never count on or give loyalty to your employer. Not only will they not mourn your passing, they will celebrate over a company-wide earnings call how much money your death saved them now that they no longer have to pay you a pension.
Don't worry, though, they'll at least still use any grievous injuries you suffer on the job as a martyresque example to be followed by other employees.