Hi, yeah, it's me. There's no sarcasm. I have come to realize that despite my best efforts, I'm a brainwashed drone. The funny part is that up until now(late 30s) I thought that I was pretty independent in my thinking, and I actually structured my life in such a way, that I do minimal amount of work to sustain myself(fruit production, difficult summers but the rest of the year is basically off).
But here's the really funny part: when the summers come to a close and I find myself at my planned leisure, I feel not too great mentally and I ALWAYS find something not just to do, but to actually overdo and murder myself to the point of painful exhaustion if I'm going to feel like I can be allowed to exist, because I paid for my existence in sweat, effort and pain.
I want to recover from this. This is basically the first time I ever vocalized this, perhaps even to myself, so I am looking for any and every feedback and advice. Also concerning whether I am in the right space. Thanks.