Hope that I can’t possibly be the only person in this situation.
38M, Autistic, living at home, fully employed but… apologise in advance for upcoming rants, language and potential TLDR.
Before my current job I had one for 8 years, with a boss who was in the military, my parents always said to me “we wish your current job was first, rather than the other way around”.
His ways of operating stuck with me and have continued with me resulting in a kind of fucked up PTSD, it was my first ever job, and I wanted to make a good impression, but by the end of the 8 years, I has just become numb and desensitised, to a lot of things if I am honest.
Now in a way more professional environment, for the past 5 years, I feel like I stick out far more than ever. I am in facilities now (sort of building management) and things are way better but they still feel like red flags or at least by society expectations (yes I have read Bullshit jobs by David Graeber, my current job meets those requirements, it can’t be put into an elevator pitch what I do, I am thankful to even have a job, but I can guarantee it does not take an entire 8 hour day, to do my job, I do what needs to be done, than have 4-6 hours a day to kill, if it wasn’t for podcasts/audiobooks/full tv shows/movies and documentaries that I watch at my desk so I can actually learn something, I would be bored out of my mind)
My work for 8 years was in a mailroom, so it was just me and my co-worker now BFF/Hetero life mate, and we both have the shared trauma of working not only in that environment, but also for our then boss, that continue to haunt us, things such as.
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Feeling guilty for ever leaving our post for any reason. One person always had to be there, at any time for courier pickups and deliveries so even if it was getting lunch or going to the bathroom, we were never penalized/reprimanded or anything like that but you still got teasing or looks of disapproval, we all did it to each other but I guess my friend and I are/were more sensitive for that, which we were teased for that as well.
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Behaviour toward clients, and continually getting confused about people’s genuine lack of understanding when it comes things that are/you would think would be common sense, like pushing in chairs, or tidying up a meeting room. Maybe it is because these people make money for the company, so we have no other choice but to cater to their every need, but it is really that hard to take the precious few seconds needed, after a “save the world” kind of meeting to push your chairs in, clean the whiteboard and take your coffee cups to the god damn sink… but I guess if they did, then my job wouldn’t exist. And,
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Maybe just a guilty conscious about what I do during the day, constantly feeling like I am walking on eggshells, not to make anyone angry but knowing that I feel virtually ironclad and invincible at the same time, when I feels like I shouldn’t.
Today’s example, I have two errands to run, I already did one this morning, I couldn’t tell my boss, I had to leave to do it, and felt guilty about that, but he is way more understanding than my previous boss, other than this post, no one will know I left, as soon as I got in, did what I had to do, then came back like I never left. No docking in pay, no worried texts or phone calls, no repercussions, nothing. The second I have to do in my lunch break. The entire time I was worried that exact scenario was going to happen, but it hasn’t and 5 years in still hasn’t (don’t know if my current work just doesn’t care or not) I do it very rarely but still… work life balance right?
In my role I am autonomous and fully anonymous, even in my own team, I do my tasks, I sit in open plan (to observe what really working for a living really looks like) while browsing twitter(X) killing time until I have to do my walkthroughs all over again. Recently I got diagnosed with Crohn’s, so I have been having frequent bathroom and doctor’s visits, and my boss never asks for medical certificates or letters from doctors, so I am unsure if he is super understanding or just doesn’t care that much. I don’t want to blame everything I do on it, but as I was doing my errand this morning, I was coming up with ways to cover my ass, if caught out, like “I forgot my medication at home” or something like that, but it never came up.
I want desperately to call this the greatest job I have ever had, but at the same time feel that societies expectations just wouldn’t accept it. I know COVID changed standards of work for the entire world from more comfortable clothing options (I have seen people in corporate environments wearing sweatpants(tracksuit pants) very few suits and ties), to the emergence of WFH, not being thought of as taking a sick day anymore.
Every performance review I have had I think to myself “Haha fooled them again” when I get paid my full amount regardless of every doctors appointment or sick day I have taken or absence, month after month, I breathe a sigh of relief, I kill so much time during the day it isn’t funny, I am writing this right now, on corporate time, and in my mind, it looks like I am working on some important work document, so people aren’t bothering me, but even if I wasn’t doing this, people wouldn’t bother me anyway.
I feel like George Costanza (Seinfeld) having to pretend he is busy at work every single day.
I have no helicopter monitoring, I never get worried text messages or emails wondering where I am, and because of the medication I take, it makes me drowsy, and moody, and every day I take an hour nap in the same place, and still have not got caught.
All of this while at the same time, I don’t want to change jobs. I hate change, I need structure and routine due to my Autism, I need same shit different day. I know that the more pay a job offers the greater the responsibilities associated with it, longer hours = more stress, the less pay, it’s not so bad, but the thoughts I have stated above are the only things stressful about my current job, plus with my limited education history and non-academic background what really would I be qualified to do anyway. I also am grateful that the tasks I have to do, have no life-threatening repercussions, if I forget to do something there is no slap on the wrist, there are no meetings with HR, no one yells, in higher positions there are repercussions.
Sorry for bearing with me, I hope this isn’t just me. I feel for every thing I have described above, sounds both like a blessing and a curse, it sounds like the ideal perfect job, but I feel like I am getting away with murder every single day, and no one is any the wiser.
Hope this isn’t just me