I really just need to get this off my chest because I can’t talk to anyone in my district. I’ve checked out. I knew that teaching wasn’t for me and now I’m in my third year. I graduated college in 2020 and the industry I wanted to join was shut down. I originally went for teaching in a niche language. I figured after college I would be fluent enough, but I’m not. I’ll never be as good of a teacher as the ones I had. I’m uncomfortable trying to speak any language with the kids. It all feels unnatural and forced. I don’t like being the center of attention and I’m severely uncomfortable disciplining kids. Many kids lack respect and are zombies with their phones. I hate repeating myself. I hate being talked over. I get along well with the kids but trying to teach them anything is a whole different story. The class sizes are unmanageable and I have 4 preps. I have so little left to give the Honors students because so much structure has to be in place for the younger grades. Anything going above and beyond the bare minimum doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t know how anyone does it, especially with kids and a handful of clubs to manage. The culture of celebrating those who dedicate 100% of their time to this job makes me sick. I already have to do so much work in my personal time, yet I’m still not a good teacher. I can’t keep feeling the weight of knowing I need to get on my laptop on Sunday to do lesson plans and have everything prepared for the week. I can only muster the energy to do what it takes to get to my next off period. I have graded so few things this marking period. I just forget in my fight to stay afloat every period.
It’s sad because it’s a good district. Diverse, progressive, strong union, structured but doesn’t micromanage, admin backs teachers, pays for PD, great pay and benefits. The work itself is just miserable. I loved learning about education all these years, but I suck at it in practice. I feel so inadequate all the time and can’t shake the feeling. My admin says I’m a good teacher, but they don’t see what goes on everyday along with how much I struggle internally. It doesn’t matter what you say if I don’t believe it. I miss remote learning when I could just teach. I often feel like the atmosphere is pressing down on my whole body and chest from how depressed and anxious I am. I feel like I’m going to throw up at all times during the day. I have a never-ending to-do list and I’m always so behind in my personal duties that I put off taking care of my household.
I’ve been applying to jobs in my previously desired industry, but I haven’t heard anything back. It also won’t pay what I’m getting now and I’ll lose my summers. I really didn’t want to leave mid-year, especially because I need my health insurance for a large procedure, but I can’t keep living like this. People are shocked when they hear I want out. I don’t know why. This has always been a paycheck for me. Sure I have some good kids, but I’m doing a disservice to them. I suck at teaching because I want to live my life outside of this school. I feel bad because my position is so niche that they probably won’t be able to fill it and that puts two of my coworkers in jeopardy. I simply can’t imagine doing this job for one more year let alone the 8 more until I can become a stay-at-home parent. It has gotten to a really bad point mentally and I am having fleeting suicidal thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I need a job. I have bills and I’m the sole provider for my family. I feel like a failure and after not needing to take out student loans it would kill me to have to pay for a master’s degree to get out of this mess. I’m doing everything I can to get out but I can’t. All I can do is push through my fatigue to apply for jobs and see a psychiatrist to help me cope until I can get out. Is it really too much to ask that I have a job that I work at all day long and then come home and focus on what life is actually about? The “working at home so that you have work to do at work and then catching up on the work you couldn’t do at work because you were working” is killing me, and I’m not even doing a good job. I’m a good worker. I want to put my head down and work, not perform for 7 hours, be too tired to move on my breaks, and then resort to doing work later.
Please tell me I will get out.