Been working at my company for almost 4 years (management position) and it’s a startup. This means most of the time it’s dysfunctional, linear titles and roles, and you have to wear a shit load of hats to keep things afloat.
It was good the first 2 years and fun, you barely report to work physically and most of it is online. I loved being able to contribute so much and be viewed as the “golden employee” by my boss.
Now all I feel is anger going into work, feeling resentment that everyone depends on me to clean shit up all the time. I get massive migraines every morning and have gotten into the habit of waking up crying and gagging, hating work and everyone, ending the day gagging and crying again (scrolling through burnout and suicide reddit posts and crying some more).
At this point, i’m not sure what to do. I think about leaving my job but i’m terrified that i’ll be in the same disposition as I am now in a new workplace. I have heavy thoughts of suicide at night just to make all the anxiety and pain go away, or disappearing to live somewhere where no one can find me.
It’s just so hard constantly fearing that you’re disappointing someone. I feel this everytime I make a mistake or a project is delayed. I’m just so so tired man haha, i don’t know what to fucking do anymore and i’m crying even writing this