30 years old guy here working as a Software Engineer in Europe. It’s close to 7 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep well last night. And I can’t finish my sleep with the time I have before I need to get ready for work. I know I’m not the first person to make this post but I just want to vent.
Being from a third world country I have been slogging my ass all my life trying to achieve ‘happiness’ and a higher standard of living. Earlier I had things to look forward to but now I don’t know what to do next. My job eats up all the time I have. I recently started to take gym more seriously working out 6 times a week which I enjoy but what I realize is that now I have absolutely zero time to do anything.
Between going to office and coming back, plus preparing my meals and doing household chores, getting groceries, I get barely a few hours a day of my own. 0.5-1 hour is spent trying to fall asleep and 0.5 hours is spent trying to sleep a bit more before I wake up. The gym takes up another 2 hours so I’m left with almost no time.
At work I don’t really relate to other people. Seems like everyone but me is happy with their work life. On top of that I find it hard to interact with genuine people at the workplace. Seems like everyone is trying to act cool and put on an act. From people faking their accents to people talking about things they don’t know about just to fit in. Coming to the actual work, that’s another story. The work seems to get more and more mundane and pointless. I laugh at the kind of things I’m doing daily.
I don’t want to sound superior or higher than thou but I just want out. But if I quit, I lose my work permit and everything I’ve put an effort towards building these past 10 years. Paying the bills is one issue if I quit my job but the bigger thing is paying instalments for other investments and properties I’ve bought. There is no way I can get out without being setback by 4-5 years.
I like photography and filmmaking and want to travel and be creative but there is no way it’s possible in the current scenario. The only option is to spend some time each day until I can start generating passive income from these interests but as I mention I barely have time. I’ll need to quit the gym if I decide to do it.
For the first time in my life I’ve felt suicidal. There have been moments where I felt absolutely empty and pointless. Another setback happened when someone I truly loved passed away couple of months ago. These things just make me question life. In 2-3 hours I’ve to get ready and ‘collaborate’ with my team on the pathetic tasks which have to be some of the worst things I’ve worked on in my life. At the same time I have to be a team player and be involved, go on team lunches, team activities or any other team
One option is to switch jobs but I don’t think that’s a solution. I don’t think a new workplace will be from those issues. Only quitting my job and doing what I like can help me. But I can’t seem to escape this hell.