I apologize if this post is not appropriate for this sub. If there is a better place to post it, I would appreciate any advice you can provide.
I have been bouncing between jobs due to poor health and the need for medicaid. I find myself demotivated. I am lucky in that I have a place to stay rent-free, even if it is not the safest and that I have acquaintances that I could go to if need be, but I would like to set off on my own one day. Unfortunately, that appears to not be in the cards.
As I mentioned earlier, I have a need for medicaid. Although I am capable of working more, I have health issues that result in multiple emergency and urgent care visits every year. Due to these relatively frequent events, I have trouble holding employment for longer periods of time depending on how incapacitated I am. I would like to do more. I would like to work more and improve my situation, but the medical bills would bankrupt me. I feel like a parasite for using the assistance. I know that that's what it is there for, but it doesn't make the situation feel any better.
I would like to pursue higher education, but my pursuit of knowledge would unlikely help in sustaining an adequate living experience. I could pursue a degree that could potentially lead to a comfortable living experience, but I would likely fall further into debt and there's no guarantee I would obtain such a degree. Even if I did somehow manage, I'd be performing the same balancing act I am now. Making enough to pay for my car insurance, car payment, gas, car repairs, groceries, phone bill, and other necessities whilst not making too much to lose coverage or risk losing everything again. I am fortunate that I can save now, but I don't know how much longer I can stay in the place I am now. I can't survive on my own. I know I am not alone in this, but it feels hopeless. I frequently find myself crying myself to sleep. It feels like the little things I can do for others don't matter when it comes to the problems people are facing today. What difference does feeding a coworker today make when they'll still be having to choose what bills they're going to pay this week? What will carpooling change for the coworker who can't afford to fix their car? It's but a temporary salve that fixes not the things that lead to these situations in the first place. I can try and spread the idea of change all I want, but what can a few people do against a system? Keep hoping and helping others until something does? I won't stop striving to create the world I dream of. I won't stop helping lessen the burdens of others. I won't let my voice be swallowed by the storm or obscured by the earth. I just wish that the force generated from the beating of this pathetic heart was enough to make things better. I don't know. I'm sorry.