Hi everyone! First I want to say thank you so much for all of your responses and feedback. The reason for all this is to help others navigate difficult work environments and provide them with the same support I am given.
If you would like to see the original post here is the link for it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/15pg3py/coworker_i_met_for_the_first_time_said_to_me_ive/
I wanted to remind everyone of some context, and provide additional context before I tell you any updates.
First, this is a small business. There is one person who does HR. That person's spouse told me “I've heard of you, you are your boss's bitch, and also this person's bitch”. This was said while on a boat during a work event during regular business hours. I literally couldn't leave.
Second, my boss, the HR person, and the spouse are all in their 60s and have worked together at this small business for 20+ years. They hangout on weekends and go on vacations together.
Third, the only other person I could go to beside my boss and this HR manager who would hold weight, is the owner of the business. He too has been with these people for many years. It's a family business. I have only worked here for two years and I'm under 30 and was hired full time from a temp position.
Finally, we all know the economy kinda sucks right now. I'm in the process of paying off a wedding for next year and looking to buy a house with my fiancee, and this job is the most money I've ever made – about $55,000/yr at 35hrs a week. The business also pays for my insurance premiums.
Anyways, with the help of you all, friends, and family, I drafted an email. I bcc'd my personal email, and sent it 9:00am Monday morning to only my boss. Here is the email:
“Hi [Redacted],
I hope you had a good weekend.
I am emailing you because I want to acknowledge a comment that was said to me on Friday around 2:15pm [Redacted]. First I want to say thank you for supporting me.
I sat at the bar across from [Redacted], [Redacted], [Redacted] and [Redacted]. When I told [Redacted] it was nice to meet them for the first time they stated “I've heard of you, you're [Redacted]'s bitch”. Unfortunately, they said it more than once, calling me your bitch and [Redacted]'s bitch. It was surprising to me that in the moment no one corrected them.
I know later you came to me, saying it was a joke, that [Redacted] would have said these same comments to anyone else who works in [this departmen], and that overall you look out for me. You saw that I was upset and didn't want the work outing to be ruined. I want to thank you for checking in on me.
I love working here and being of service to our clients. I was mostly surprised at their lack of professionalism at a public work event where we're representing [Redacted]. That's why I distanced myself from them for the rest of the event.
I do know that during my tenure working here, I have never spoken to [Redacted] before and am unsure where that comment stems from.
Going forward, I do not ever want to be spoken to that way, whether jokingly or not.
This odd situation is hopefully a one-off occurrence and I appreciate your support. I look forward to continuing to do great work for our clients.
Sincerely,
[Redacted]”
I chose to write it this way for a number of reasons:
• I understand the power dynamic which I am on the outside of. They are all in positions of systemic power and very close. Regardless of how I act, I am certain the culture won't change.
• I have worked for here for 2 years and this has never happened to me before. This was the first time I met that person. And I am willing to bet this is the first and only time it will happen to me.
• The reason why I'm willing to bet that is because I have it in writing not to ever talk to me that way again, and now have no desire to ever go to a work outing again where I subject myself to this possibility.
• Any opportunity I get, I do want to be the person that tries to de-escalate and is the bigger person who can claim the moral high ground. Again, if I had come into work guns blazing, calling everyone Bitch as a joke, that only creates a more toxic environment and escalates the situation.
• I felt it was important to really outline what took place, in case it happens again, or if I get fired soon. I also wanted to use kind, firm language, so that I am not subjected to retaliation which could be difficult to document.
• The most important part is to not only be detailed but to sound like I'm ok without ever saying in writing that I am ok because I am not actually ok. In case future occurrences take place they can't point to this email and say “We thought you were ok with this behavior”.
NOW HERE'S THE FUN PART
My boss received my email at 9am on Monday. They didn't respond to the email, but rather came into my office to talk with me. This is typical as they don't want things in writing. They arrived at work before me, which is extremely odd because of how relaxed the summer hours are. These are the points they tried to make verbally to me in response to my email.
• “When they called you my bitch, it was more like you're part of my team, like a teammate
• I was surprised and expected you to have some thicker skin
• Everyone knows this is their personality, you either love them or you hate them
• They are an Executive's spouse and it's just something we navigate
• This is the banter we use during these outings, it would have been totally fine to just tell them to fuck off and laugh it off
• I probably should have warned you about their personality and given you some heads up about it
• I could just feel you were upset and it made me feel upset that you were upset”
And these were my verbal responses:
• “So are you saying the problem is that I don't have thicker skin?” (Boss retracts statement, saying it's totally fine I am a “sensitive person”)
• Would you have preferred I ask the boat to turn around, or I splash my drink in their face? (No but don't take it to heart so much)
• “Why didn't they just say I was your teammate?” (It's just their personality)
• “Yeah a little heads up would've been nice” (Yes that's my bad)
• “It's just weird, I've never spoken to this person before, why would that be the first thing out of their mouth?” (Idk, that's just the way they are)
• “Why would I ever use that kind of language in a work setting during business hours? I'm never going to be that person and I'm never going be get so close to a coworker that they can talk to me that way.” (Well if you are anywhere long enough, you're going to build that relationship with each other)
In my experience, when disputing something verbally, it's always best to ask questions because it puts the pressure on the other person to explain themselves. Also, you need to be OK with silence. Make them feel uncomfortable.
Given my boss's pretty shitty verbal responses, and lack of communication from HR manager, I am going to just mail it in, collect checks, and do bare minimum work until they either cut me loose and I get unemployment, or I find a better paying/fitting job.