Now, the pressure is getting bigger.
My family, my friends, my guidance counselor… All of them, they make sure I understand that there is no escape, and that the time I'll need… No, excuse me, HAVE to work is getting closer.
None of them understand, I'll tell you why: I'm an artist. That's litterally my life. I play music, I listen to music, I draw, I get inspired, I gather knowledge, I breathe FOR ART. I can't have a day without making and imagining something. I can't have a day without doing any of those things, which, you guessed it, take my WHOLE day. There's no time where I'm not doing it, and all of it is for MYSELF.
Them, they're not artists. Artists are the minority of the human race. We're outsiders.
“You have so much talent why not use it for a job, why do you lack confidence ?” No, you don't get it. I have “so much talent” and I litterally don't want to spend it for someone else than me. THAT'S the thing. I have the confidence, I know my worth. THAT'S the thing. Call me an arrogant prick, but I don't give a single f*ck about it.
What a job is for? For the others, for a boss, for someone, that's why they pay you.
Most people either complain of a job and suck it up or are in fact really happy to have a job as their life is as empty as the bottle of that homeless dude at the corner of your street.
But both cases, they conform. And the thing is, I feel like I'm the only one having a HUGE (I mean it) problem with it.
Them, they just “suck it up”… Personally, I know that I wouldn't just suck it up. It would make me enraged. It would make me hella sad. Frustrated. I wouldn't be surprised to have suicidal thoughts if I ever had to do that. They don't get it, because nothing else keep them going. They go home, drink, and watch Netflix because they're too tired and braindead from their braindead job. I just don't want that life. And I know that if I ever had a job, that's the life I'll get, because I'm weak. Not strong enough to push through the tiredness, the anger. It will and it already blurs all my thoughts and creative process. It's killing me.
Other artists (or if I'm lucky, empathetic / antiwork people) are the only ones who understand what I go through, and the only ones whom I take advices from. The others just DON'T GET IT. And it enrages me to no end.
Every time I'm reminded of the holy fatality of “you have to get a job” I'm hit by a wave of sadness and despair, only to end the cycle at the same place again: rage.
How can I have a damn boss if I'm enraged? How can I have a damn job if I'm enraged? This situation just makes me ENRAGED. At some point, in the job, I know I just won't be able to put on the mask anymore, and this scares me to no end.
The modern world already enrages me, and this will be too much.
I'm just here to vent, if you have advices (no matter who you are 😉 )or relate, go for it. I have no questions of “what do I do?” Because I already know the answer. Just suck it up and cry, right?