I have been depressed, pessimistic, cynical, and hypervigilant for the past few months. I had to talk to HR because I was using the restroom, I was switched to a new team after one of their teammates left for maternity leave, but we've been experiencing tension because there are areas where I'm still inexperienced or they're expecting me to charge only 30 hours for the 4 weeks I've been instructed to help on an project. Not to mention my accuring credit card, school loan, and medical debt.
But I don't think that's even where my grief begins. I think it started when I was in my final year of college, before graduating into the pandemic, that my then boss, a hardcore narc, tried to diminish whatever enthusiasm or self-esteem I had, on the last day of my 4 month internship.
After being unemployed for 19 months, getting fired at sweatshop jobs, and being placed on a PIP following my brief cancer treatment that I worked through from home, I just don't have the strive let alone the care anymore to perform or interact with my team. Because why should they be entitled to my value, when I a hardworking but struggling laborer can get fired for any petty reason?
When I started my new job almost a year ago, I worked intentionally slow and I got a lot of work done faster and with less mistakes. And yeah I would slack off during some instances, so that I wouldn't be overrelied or have work dumped on me. But since a coworker of mine left, I got extra work dumped on me anyways.
I keep getting startled at work, because my boss is complaining I charged too much time on a project when that's exactly how much time I was instructed to work on, even though I was supposed to work less. And I get anxious when I encounter technical issues on the computer, because it slows me down and prevents me from reaching that deadline my manager is asking of me. My mind just goes to panic mode all the time throughout the week, and I can't only feel it in my mind, but throughout my entire body.
I guess I'm just really fatigue, having to worry about my job insecurity or getting thrown under the bus by incompetent management. I've tried talking to my boss about these metrics, but if we try to reconfigure them reasonably, our budget is going to get thrown off or the CEO is going to chew him out.