Hi as the title says I have just got a written warning which will escalate into an eventual final warning if my performance does not improve. Am currently WFH sat at my desk feeling extremely lost and striving to keep a panic attack at bay.
For reference I am in the UK and work in a sales role, which I have been very successful at until recently. The cause of that decline is varied, from losing clients to death, disease and other reasons, to the high cost of living in the UK and very difficult economic climate.
I feel very upset that after those years of service this is the knee-jerk reaction to a short term decline in sales. I had a difficult meeting with HR and manager which I thought was hostile and accusatory, and inturn they thought I was 'defensive' because, well I was trying to defend myself.
There are at least two factual inaccuracies in what they are saying to me, and mitigating circumstances like for example a bad case of covid during one of the targeted periods, and totally ignoring my wider contributions to the business. If I am honest I have wanted out for a while, at the stage of my life (51) where I want to be doing something on my own terms, however this is still a huge shock to the system.
I suffer from anxiety disorder and suspect I am on the spectrum but undiagnosed, something which they are aware of, and I feel generally since I opened up about this during the pandemic and lockdown their atitiude towards me changed and hardened, with a more authoritarian approach to managing, running contrary to their own well being policies.
I don't have a lot in the bank but I do at least own my own house, albeit with a mortgage. I feel there is an element of Stockholm syndrome right now, a mental block where I struggle to see life beyond the job I have been doing for 14 years. That is coupled with a strong sense of injustice and rejection as a senior member of the team.
That said I 100% want out. I recently interviewed for a dream job and got on the shortlist but didn't get it, otherwise I would already be resigned. The company has changed a lot since I started and I haven't changed with it, as it becomes ever more corporate and this is the latest sympton of that. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to go forward, I am torn between buckling down and barking like a dog for them and trying to improve or going full slash and burn and getting signed off work for stress/mental health.
I am a member of trade union and have contacted them for legal advice. I have 7 days to lodge an appeal against which I ill be doing.
But I hate all of this with every fibre of my being, the meeting, the letters, the policies, HR its all just such bollocks that is being forced upon when I just want to live my life on my terms. This is the antithesis to that. I am amazed that as a species we wrap ourselves up with so much unecessary clutter rather than just living.
So I have come here. It has been carthartic to type all of that out. I am looking for advice on how to deal with this, on how to move forward and how to mentally cope. I am flip-flopping between tears, panic and then determination. If I am honest I have wanted to leave this role for a long time so maybe this is something that will force that change. I know I am talented and have desirable skills but I worry about the loss of income and whether there are things at there for me at my age.
I don't have a family, my only dependents are my dogs. I have a van with a bed in the back of it. I just want to get in it with them and drive away and never stop.