My supervisor (Let's call her Kate) has a tendency to be pretty harsh, especially when stressed. But I never minded so much. I knew it was never about me and her normal fun self would always come back quickly.
This has been a rough year for her, so those moments have been happening more and more frequently and I have just been trying to let them roll off my back and not take them so seriously.
The last few weeks, however, it just hasn't let up. I've been trying to roll with it, but my self-esteem has been really taking a hit to the point where I don't trust myself to make decisions anymore because I'm so focused on not making Kate angry amd not giving her a reason to snap at me, that my brain just… freezes. It feels like static and all I can think is I don't know what to do and I wish I did.
On Monday, I was 5 minutes late. Kate didn't mention it but she immediately started snapping at me and gave me an unexpected task. Anytime I asked her a question, she responded with sarcasm and anger. So, I have that fucking freeze response and all my brain can think is, 'would she be more angry at me for making a mistake or would you be more angry at me for asking questions?”
I tried to stick it out, but I went home crying after a couple hours. I think the only other time I went home crying was when I got a phone call that my cat died in an abrupt and painful way. That was 6 years ago.
Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, Kate acted like nothing was wrong and so I tried to talk to her about it and she admitted that she felt frustrated upset about my being 5 minutes late the day before. And then she continued to list mistakes I'd made and times I'd pissed her off going back WEEKS! She told me that it's at a point where she doesn't trust my decision making because I clearly need so much instruction. Interestingly, every single item on her list had been a response to her snapping at me.
Until about a week ago I would have said that, me and this person have a great working relationship and that I really loved my job. It sounds stupid now, but I really thought I was doing a good job and that I was on good terms with Kate! Like, it's fine for her to talk to me like that if it isn't personal…but it started feeling really personal somewhere along the way. I always try to ignore that voice in my head that says everyone secretly hates me… well yesterday it felt like I found out that my worst fears were true.
Once again, I felt those tears welling up and I tried to continue with my day, but I just couldn't. I went to Kate's supervisor's office (Let's call her Jo) and just started bawling. I said I wanted to quit right there on the spot. Jo said she wanted to have a meeting with Kate first and asked me to take a day.
That evening I get an apology email from Kate telling me she's sorry she engaged in the conversation I started and regretted not postponing it for a time when she could give me her full attention. She also apologized if I “felt criticized and unappreciated.”
So today I met with Jo who tells me that Kate feels just AWFUL about the whole thing and could we please have a meeting with the 3 of us. I said no and explained my reasons why. Apparently, when Kate had discussed this with Jo, she never mentioned that whole part about her surprising me with a long list of reasons why I'm so bad at my job. Instead, Kate had told Jo that she was shocked (shocked, I tell you!) that the way she spoke to me had such a strong negative impact! In fact she asked other teachers who all confirmed that yes, she can be quite harsh. So anyway Jo and Kate have talked a LOT about effective communication and Jo is confident that Kate is committed to improving.
Here's the thing, though: I grew up with an abusive mother. I spent my whole fucking childhood trying to gage why she was mad and exactly how mad and what I could do to avoid the worst of her temper. I don't know how many mornings I was given a list of things currently wrong with me and all the ways I annoy people. And anytime my dad walked in on me sobbing and asked my mom why, she would tell him that she had no idea! She was just having a normal conversation with me when I just burst into tears!
Maybe I'm the crazy one and I really do burst into tears for no reason… but I do know that Kate brought that feeling right back. Ive been diagnosed with CPTSD and I think it was badly triggered.
I'm now at a point where I suddenly don't want to be alone in a room with this woman. What if she says all the right things in front of Jo and retaliates when we're alone?
I told Jo that Kate crossed a line. She said things that she can't take back. I told her that I understand why it would be better for her and the school and Kate and the students for me to return, but I said I really needed to prioritize my mental health right now.
I have fought so hard to get to where I am in my mental health journey, that I don't want to risk backsliding. It's been 2 years since I went no-contact with my abusive mother. The first year was fucking HARD. This year has been easier, but I've realized that if I can cut my mom out of my life, I can cut anyone out of my life. And I won't let anyone treat me like that anymore if I can help it.