We have monthly check-in meetings with management, and at this month’s my managers invited HR to speak to me about company resources that are available for mental health. This was spurred by me mentioning in a meeting that I did not feel like I was in the right headspace to take on more leadership at work. (For context, things are extremely slow right now and there’s almost not enough work to go around. I just finished leading on two projects while most of my coworkers have nothing to do. I’ve also already taken on side projects on top of my main work.)
This isn’t the first time they’ve had HR meet with me about my mental health. Back in the fall, I had the highest workload I’ve ever had in this job, and at the same time I was dealing with a LOT of personal issues that led to me on a call with my management crying hysterically and asking for help/for a break. They made me take a mental health day shortly after, and they’ve been asking me to take additional PTO, especially since there’s not much to do anyway right now. My boss, who is SUPER fake friendly “we’re all a family here” vibes, kept saying that she hurt for me and was concerned for me personally but they also made it very clear that they expected me to get this shit under control because it was affecting my work.
Semi-related but around the same time as the forced mental health day, I did face some minor disciplinary action. My bosses scheduled a surprise meeting with me and HR where they addressed my mental health and then also gave me a warning for a bunch of SUPER minor things that literally all happened the day I ended up on the phone crying with them.
My relationship with both my bosses has improved since then, as has my mental health. But i still feel like I’m being watched and held to a super high standard. I feel like I’ve been thriving and an absolutely model employee lately, but I just felt the need to be honest in one meeting about the fact that I’m NOT doing well in this moment, and now they’ve gotten HR involved again. Im supposed to look into the resources HR sent me and follow up with my bosses next week to prove to them that I’m doing something about it. My manager suggested additional PTO or even an extended leave of absence as possible solutions.
I am a high performing employee who consistently impresses our clients. I’ve been entrusted with a lot of big projects, and Im in a slightly more senior position/one of the staff that’s been here the longest (besides the most senior people) I’m not necessarily concerned about being fired, but I have found out in the past that I was making less money than others in my position with the same amount of time here and who have NOT been given the same workload as me, so I’ve been paranoid that I’m actually not as good at my job as I think I am, and I am worried that management sees me as more of a liability than an asset.
Also worth mentioning that I am disabled (autism and PTSD, currently training a service dog) and my bosses are fully aware of this. They pride themselves on being an inclusive workspace but when I ask for the accommodations I need for my specific disabilities, you can kind of tell that they don’t see it as a valid accommodation, they think I’m asking for special treatment.
(I can also admit that I might be overreacting because I’ve got some trauma around being punished for being mentally ill. In high school I was kicked out of my dorm for the liability of being suicidal and became homeless and I really kind of feel like everyone is looking for a reason to punish me for being crazy. I also know people who have lost jobs for being disabled and I’m just scared.)
Any guidance/insight would be helpful. I know my company is not my friend, but I’m working a dream job in an industry I love and have worked very hard to get into and succeed in. I want to continue being in this space and being someone that can help move it to be more safe for everyone, but I just feel like I’m not even allowed to emote lol
Thank you!!