I have fucking had it. Work has always been severally difficult for me. Ever since I was a teenager working my high school jobs- I knew I wouldn't last in the every day world. I chased a dream and pursed music, deseperately hoping that it would take me away from the 9-5 lifestyle.
Now I am 25 and I simply don't think I can do it anymore. I want to give up. It shoulsnt be this hard just to live. God knows I am trying. I recently moved across the country and am trying to apply everywhere. I've put in over 50 applications and haven't even gotten a call for an interview.
I dropped out of college in 2018 and had a really hard time adjusting to the working world. I had about 10 different jobs from 2018-2019. Eventually, I snapped and got a tattoo on my face. The tattoo reminds me to love myself and remind myself that this is MY life and at the beginning and end of every day I need to tell myself I write the rules and get to say how I deserve to be treated. Getting a job was always this hard. So I can't blame my face tattoo. My tattoo was a way of me saying I need to put myself first, and not give my ALL to some stupid job that literally won't care if I am at deaths door.
I have not been nor will I ever be willing to give my ALL to a stupid job. A job should be some boring mindless braindead task that you go in, dissociate for a couple hours, and then go back. I knew that mentality wouldn't make me rich. But I know it should at least get me a poverty salary. And lately I can't even find that.
Ive seen other kids my age with tattoos ALL over their face here working in disepsnaries and record shops. And they seem happy as a clam. And I'm just wondering what is wrong with me- that I can't get those jobs?
Not even those cushy cool jobs with a scene and cool customers- but I can't even find the low level back breaking labor jobs any more.
In the past, the only places that would hire me were restaurants. Which is kind of a fuck you from the universe because I am awful at cooking and have an eating disorder so preparing food gives me so much anxiety.
I can't even find a job at a grimy convenient store or shitty college pizzeria. I honestky don't even know what to do anymore. I have scraped and succumbed myself to what society says is “the lowest form of living” and not even those places will take me anymore.
I've been trying to do some radical acceptance about it and tell myself that all work is horrible. And that it's normal to come home and be so angry. But I judt can't take it anymore.
I was trying to talk to the manager of this movie theatre who talked to me like I wasn't even a human for having a face tattoo.
The conversation shoukd have gone “you will need to cover it up” and I say okay.
that shouldve been the END of it.
But no, he fucking layed into me and looked me dead in the eyes for at least 30 seconds and went on and on about how “tattoos aren't supposed to be visible” and how it doesn't matter what I do I just need to cover it with makeup or “something” and talked to me like I was a freak and inconveniencing him just by standing in his doorway asking for a job.
I talked to local shop owners and they blame “the generational gap” and how “you youngsters want 20 bucks an hour to do no work at all” and that's not how it fucking is at all. I was like dude where I'm from minimum wage is 9 bucks an hour. I would KILL for 15 bucks an hour. And I'm not asking for anything fancy. Just to be treated with respect and like a human being.
I have fucking had it.
Humans were not meant to be treated like this. And I feel like there is no solution. We cant just stop working. We cant just resort to crime. I am angry and I feel like it isnt my fault. I can only seek mental health treatment over this topic SO much before I realized that I'm not even the one at faukt.
I have tried SO desperately to change and fit into the modern world. It will just not work. It is time for this world to change. And these old stubborn fucks are being so SLOW and stingy. Kicking and screaming the whole way through.
The past few years ive been having fantasies of egging all the shops I've tried applying to just to be constantly rejected and made to feel like I wasn't even human or don't even deserve to live. Over the years, I stop dreaming of eggs, and start dreaming of *******